Multiple Thoughts

Now that I'm being really strict on myself, I'm really not finding dieting hard at all. Not that it's exactly dieting. I'm just not snacking and my dinner consists more of vegetables than meat/carbs. It's the exercise part I struggle with. At the moment, I'm just walking for an hour a day. It sounds so easy, but because I push myself to walk quickly it hurts and it's hard. I dread it every day, and spend the entire walk wishing it would end. I really hope that once I get a job and join a gym and can do spin classes and swim, that exercise will become easier. Not physically, but mentally.

My friend sort of set me up with this guy. He's her brother's mate. We just texted for the first time last night, because I hate phone calls and I wanted to know a little bit about him before actually going on a date. I hate dates and blind dates are a million times worse. Anyway, he plays guitar and surfs and is studying community welfare. He starts work as a disability worker in 3 weeks. He enjoys chick flicks and almost any music. He doesn't read much or play video games, but I can deal with that/convert him. He texted me first today too. He sent me a photo and he's nothing special but he's not unattractive. He's just an average bloke. Doesn't smoke, drink or do drugs. Seems perfect. Except he's 28 and has a 6 year old son. I want to give it a shot, but I am worried about the kid part. I'm trying so hard to focus on being young. I guess we'll see. If I don't feel any real connection when we meet I'll call it off. It's not worth dating a guy with a kid just casually. If I'm going to have a fling I want it to be with someone younger and carefree. The other issue is, as soon as my friend told me he wanted to go on a date with me, the first thing I thought was "I don't want a relationship." Not a great sign. I don't know. I'm pretty torn on this subject.

I wish tomorrow would hurry up. It's payday, and I want to pull my money out of the bank and literally split it up into the things I have to pay for and see what's left. I really hope I have enough money for a new bra. All of mine are now officially uncomfortable and not one is supportive enough for exercise. It's driving me crazy. And my tights, which I wear on my walks, are starting to wear through around the crotch (embarrassing) and have a couple of holes in one leg. Please let me get this job.

Following my gut

I'm really hoping I get this job at Video Ezy. I have an interview on Wednesday. Two reasons I want it. First, and obvious, I want a freaking job and I liked working at a video store. Second, it would prove to me that I should always follow my gut. My gut told me to turn down the reception job and, not that I got it anyway, but the Body Shop job too. My gut serves me well (besides being fat, but we'll cover that in a later paragraph, kids). It told me it was time to move back home. It told me not to move to Melbourne when it became a difficult thing to do. It told me to re-establish contact with a couple of people. It told me to stay with USQ even after deciding to stay up here. It knows the score.

I saw a sign today on my way home on the train in someone's front yard. It was a 'For Sale' sign in front of a big tent. It said 'Perfick con'. It took me a minute to figure out that that meant 'Perfect condition'. Why are people so very stupid? It just irritates me.

I'm a little disappointed in myself right now. I've got this big plan thing going on right now. The goal is to be healthy, in shape. Hot, as they say. Also, organized and a good student. I have a daily checklist. I have to walk for an hour (unless I'm out all day shopping or something), study and read for a minimum of half an hour each, eat three healthy meals with optional dessert but no other snacks, and eat a serving of vegetables and a piece of fruit. If I tick each box for the day, I get a little Freddo. If I tick them all for the entire week, and apply for at least one job, I get take away. When I get a job, I'll be joining a gym and revising the exercise part. Yesterday I had KFC for dinner, and snacked on chocolate, because I was staying at someone else's house. If this is going to work, I have to have more restraint than that. Plan in advance - if they don't wanna eat healthy, take healthy food with me and they can get take away. I got lazy, and saw the sleepover as an excuse. Then this morning I skipped breakfast. I can't do that. I have to be tougher than that, or I'll never get anywhere. I have 21 kilos to lose. Twenty-one. That's a lot. I've lost thirty before, I know I can do this. I just need to harden the fuck up. I'm going for a walk now.

Yucky Hands

I don't like winging it. I'm a planner. I like to know what I'm doing, whether it be tomorrow, next year or at the end of my degree. But I don't. I can't figure out what to do. I've already blogged about the possibility of moving overseas for work, but now I'm thinking about moving for study. I can't decide where to go. I can't decide whether to go. I can't decide when to go. England, Canada, the US? I like it here, but I want to try new things. Do I finish my degree first? Once again I come back to my new favourite line: Life decisions are hard. I suppose I'll figure it out at some point.

I get why some people don't believe in marriage, or don't see the point in it. But I believe in it. I want to get married one day. It's the biggest way to tell someone you love them. It says, "Yes I am dedicated to you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you." And yes, I know the divorce rates. My parents were divorced. But I don't care. You can't know what's going to happen in the future. My parents loved each other once. They didn't know they wouldn't twenty years down the track. How can anyone know that? I think weddings are beautiful.

I finally seem to have found motivation for this uni work. I was forced into it by looming due dates, and now I'm not finding it so hard. I've been doing uni work all week, getting my essays written. I even want to do my computing assignment right now, but I'm making myself take a break. I don't want to burn out.

I'm really hoping that I get a particular job I just applied for yesterday. Shift supervisor at a Video Ezy. Well well, doesn't that sound familiar? For once I'm the one saying they'd be crazy not to hire me. Seriously? I've done that exact job. Don't even bother interviewing other people. Yes, I am totally talking myself up, but I was awesome at that job, and had it not been for the people (boss, co-workers and customers all included) it would have been great. Like Blockbuster was. I just happened to be working in a shitty area for a shitty man. GIVE ME THE JOB.

I need to wash my hands. They're all yuck for some reason.

Decisions, decisions.

I'm supposed to be walking for at least an hour each day. I seem to have taken four days off, and now I feel really lazy. I am really lazy, but that isn't the issue here. I made a promise to myself, and then I didn't keep it. I know they are the easiest promises to break - those made to oneself - but I'm now disappointed in myself, which is never a good thing. So tomorrow, I am doing my washing, I am going grocery shopping on foot and buying a backpack, and I am WALKING. Hopefully I'll also start my assignments. I have two 1500 word essays due on Friday that I haven't even picked topics for yet. I haven't been very motivated this semester. I really need to pick up my act. I've been keeping up with the bare minimum readings required, but I haven't put any real effort into the course. I think it's because I don't really know why I'm doing this course. Or I haven't known, recently. But I think I know now. At the end of the course, I'll have a huge decision to make. Move overseas or stay here. If I stay here, I'll do a post-grad education course and become an English/History teacher. If I move overseas, it will probably be to England or maybe Canada, and there I will face another decision. Complete an English degree, which is what I really wanted to do at university but is, for some unknown reason, not possible here; or try to build a career as a literary agent or editor. At this point I kind of like the idea of leaving most of my things behind and moving to England to live in a tiny apartment alone with hardly any belongings and working my way up. The only downside of that is the possibility of failure. If I fail, I continue to have nothing. But, I have over three years to make any kind of decision. So I guess we shall see. Making life decisions is seriously hard.

Why are you such a phantom?

Still unemployed, but I got my student start-up scholarship from Centrelink so I'm not totally broke anymore. It's a big relief. Also good timing. I just found out I'm going to be a bridesmaid next month at my friend's wedding. We've been friends for 11 years, since we were nine years old. Now she's getting married. It's just bizarre. So I've gotta get my dress on Saturday (black, which means I can wear it again, hurrah) and pay for my hair and make-up on the day. Hair is optional but as if I wouldn't! I'm pretty excited.

Both of my parents now basically have jobs. Dad definitely, starting on Friday. Bec has a trial week, then if she does well (which she will) has a 7 week contract with the possibility of more work after that. So I'm 99% sure I'll be their housekeeper, paid by having lowered rent. Pretty happy with that, low rent rules. Nearly got roped into babysitting Ben every Monday but fortunately they had a place for him at childcare - I love the kid to death but a whole day looking after him with neither Mummy or Daddy around? That's suicide. Now, if I can just find a job working 1 or 2 shifts a week, everything will be perfect! I have got to get off my ass and hand out resumes. *is lazy*

They're also buying a crappy secondhand car, I think today, which they will replace in several months with a new car and hand down to me! Probably! Lol. Win. So hopefully I won't have to buy a car. Which would be really awesome.

Everything is working out pretty well lately :) And I totally found a new artist that I love - Lissie, album is called Catching the Tiger, she's got an amazing voice. It's brilliant to sing along too :) I'm very happy right now.