I was angry when I met you, I think I'm angry still.

I really hate how my body looks at the moment. Well, I like my boobs and I'm pretty happy with my ass. But I hate my stomach and my thighs and my upper arms. I hate them. The fat deposits. So for a while, I'm only having breakfast and dinner, because all the dieticians and experts say that if you want to skip a meal, make it lunch. If I get hungry during the day, I'll embrace the feeling of my stomach eating itself. If it gets too bad for that, I'll have a barley sugar. I can have anything I like for dinner, for example I'm going out to the Pancake Manor tomorrow and that's absolutely fine. Although, I'm going to switch from Macca's to Subway for work dinners. Once a week, I'm going to have ice cream for dessert. I'm going to keep walking to work, to the train station, to anywhere. I'm even turning coke back into a treat. I just have to fix it.

I've so successfully convinced myself that alcohol is horrible to the point where the thought of drinking it makes me feel nauseated. A year ago, I would have said nauseous, but that's not technically a word. It's nauseated. Anyway, I don't understand what I ever saw in it. I suppose I just wanted to be happy for a while, you know? Either way, I'm happy naturally now, so I don't need that false burst of happiness. I get that from living. Those people who in their lists of interests put 'drinking' seem rather pathetic. Drinking? You're interested in putting alcohol in your system. That's your hobby. Good work. Even before I quit it was never in my interests. Geez.

I can't wait till the end of next year.

90s music rocks.

I got proposed to last night. At work. This man dropped off his movies, looked at my name badge and then said, "Tara, if I win the lotto will you marry me?" Quite embarrassing - it was very busy. I said no. Lol.

I still haven't driven a car. Sigh. I'll get to that though. I'll apply for a loan soon, then I'll have a car to drive. Yay :)

I stayed at Jimboomba for two nights with Bianca. It was fucking freezing, and the fire wouldn't catch, but it was fun and good to get away. I shall be doing that again soon.

I had a dream last night that I went camping by myself (among a bunch of other weird dreams). I stayed on top of a sand dune that had a rock wall running along the top. On one side was the beach, which was stunning, and on the other where I stayed (to avoid the tide) had a stream created by the tide further down the beach. It was amazing. Maybe one day I'll go camping alone.

My nose is driving me insane. I think I might chop it off.

Held Up

So last night I was finally involved in a hold up. I knew it would happen at some point, working nights in Woodridge, and I was thinking it would happen soon because it's happened twice just recently. But I thought it would be like those. Not nasty. Not scary. Just hand them the money and they leave. It wasn't like that. I wish it had been.

He came in and before I knew it he was right behind me, with a stanley knife at my throat. I've never been so scared in my life. I'm so grateful that I was on with Wesley, because he just did what the man said calmly and everything was fine. It was horrifying though. When he left I burst into tears. I slept terribly last night and then today when I tried to have a nap because of nightmares.

I hate him. Apparently they think he's responsible for about 20 armed hold ups, 5 of them last night. While the police were there, they got a call about another at Underwood. It was totally separate. What the fuck is going on? We've had three in a month. Just before ours, the Eagle Boys right near us got held up. The servo behind us gets held up regularly. I hate Woodridge.

Many things, none terribly important. Or maybe they are *ponders*

So I was right. I'm always right, aren't I? He turned out to be a selfish prick, so I shan't be meeting him. Found out I was a depressive and "didn't want to be involved in that kind of thing". Kind of thing? Fuck you, asshole.

I suppose it's probably better for me to stay single until after the roadtrip. I mean, three months at least away from someone I'm in love with? Not awesome. It would put a serious damper on the trip. I just want it to be about spending the time with Bianca and seeing the country and getting some serious life experience. I just don't like being single. But eh. This is far more important to me than anything I've ever aimed for in my life, so finding a boyfriend is rating pretty low. Losing weight and saving money and getting my Ps - they're the priorities.

I finished Mass Effect yesterday. I had no idea what to do - I'd become so involved in the story and the characters. At the end, everyone thought I was dead, and I didn't know if I was (well, my character, you know), and I was so upset. But she was ok! Hoorah! Anyway, so I ended up just starting the game again. It's just the best :)

I'm actually quite excited about Bianca staying at Jimboomba now. I plan to get out there as much as possible with her. It'll be nice to stay in the country and have all that open space. I might ask her to teach me to drive, really basic of course. The backyard is big enough, and she's got an auto so it'll be like starting on easy. Lol. Totally illegal of course - she's only on her Ps. Although, if it's in the backyard, is it still illegal? Who knows.

Maybe you would've been something I'd be good at.

Ok, so I've got my hopes up. I promised myself I wouldn't. But here I am, fingers crossed, getting all excited and nervous. I met this guy online a few months ago and we're meeting in person on Tuesday. He seems perfect for me - intelligent, funny; he can spell and use grammar correctly and gets as annoyed about it as I do. He has a career. He also really seems into me. We're meeting for 45 minutes (his lunch break) at MacDonald's, because we both hate anything close to formal. So at least if it's awkward it's also short. I really want to click with this guy. To be honest, I really want to fall head over heels in love with this guy. God help me (says the atheist?).

If it doesn't work out, I'll just go back to wooing Bianca I guess. Though I might just marry my DS.

Bianca's going to stay out at Jimboomba for 6 weeks. It's ages away. I don't like this at all. Bah.

I don't belong here, we've gotta move on here.

I still wonder why Bianca and Jess love me. As far as I can tell, it's unconditional and real and honest. This doesn't click in my head - people don't love unconditionally. In my experience, that is a lie. Although I guess people can love others but not like them - right? Can you love someone but not want them around? Not care? I don't really know. I didn't think so but people are inexplicably confusing. Either way, I don't understand the fact that they love me, even though I love them too. Sometimes I really wish that my past was different so I could just trust in things. So I could just believe what people tell me and not question it.

I have a trojan on my computer. I'm about to run AVG. I hope it gets rid of it because I HATE formatting. Ugh ugh ugh. I tried to download a keygen for Office 2007. Epic fail, Tara.

I'm getting my hair cut today :) Just trimming the layers and recutting the fringe. Still trying to decide how I want that. Then I'll dye it, which is awesome because it's long overdue. Regrowth to the max, ick. The regrowth looks grey! Stupid pale brown natural colour. Then tonight, Bianca and I are going to Montezuma's for dinner :) I love that place, I've only been once. It's so good and they have the best mocktails ever. After that we're marathoning The Office season 5. Hell yes. Should be totally rad.