Alone, so late.

If I told you right now that I was naked, would that make you uncomfortable? I'm not. I was just before though. Why does that make people so incredibly uncomfortable? You can't see me. I don't see how it's affecting you. If you're now picturing it that's your own fault. I take none of the blame for that.

My stomach hurts. I'm alone. I should be asleep.
I miss Emily. I haven't seen her in too long, but I still feel that we're really close. That I can almost trust her. That, my friends, is huge.
I miss Jasmine. Come over, Jasmine. You're never online, this upsets me.
I miss Karli. She is online, a lot. I still miss her.
I miss Hailey. You'd think I'd have had my fill of Hailey.
I miss Jessica. She's in the same damn house, and I miss her.
I miss Bianca. Whenever she's not here. Which is too often. She should be here. Her sister's not here.
I miss Ben. All the time, no matter what.
I miss Alex. She's growing up too fast and I feel like I'm missing it. Also, her eyes are pretty, even though they're not blue.
I miss Dejan. I wish I could go to Supanova.

I guess I kinda miss you all.

Empty

Something.
Can't say the truth.
Everything.

Consumed.
Eating away at her insides.
Aching.

Love.
There's nothing, no guarantees.
Unloved.

Need.
Don't. Please don't go.
Alone.

Something.
Gave her everything.
Confused.

Empty.
Sorry, only;
Empty.

I'm losing track.

Run baby run;
Forever we'll be;
You and me.

I'm really lonely at the moment. I texted someone and they're not replying. I MSN'd another and got no response. I know it's not the case, but I feel like everyone's blocking me out. Things like this always seem to happen when I'm already down.

I'm so bored with life. I need something new. I know exactly what I want, but I can't have it. At least not right now. So I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to do now. What do you do when nothing you can have is good enough anymore?

Lately, I just feel like sleeping all day. Nothing is taking my interest. Everything is boring. But when I sleep, I dream. And dreams are interesting. The things I wish would happen in real life do happen in my dreams. So why can't I sleep all the time, and dream all the time? Why do I have to face this boring reality?

Maybe there's nothing out there for me.

Ah the revelations.

So I had a busy night as far as people are concerned.
Didn't read Karli's blog till now. So I feel REALLY bad that I didn't ask how she'd BEEN. Rather than how she was. Grr. I'm sorry Karli :(

I did something really brave tonight. Most people never work up the guts to do this. I told someone who I was 99% sure wouldn't be interested in me that I have a crush on them. I nearly threw up about 50 times during the conversation, and I didn't quite get the result I was hoping for, but I feel very accomplished now. Haha, suck on that, lack-of-self-confidence. Bitch. I didn't get the result I expected either though, which is DEFINITELY a good thing. :) Shall see how that little smidgen turns out. Either way I know they'll still be a friend :)

I also found out that my last escapade is actually a horrible, horrible person. He lied to me right from the start, admitted that he uses MySpace to find 18 year old girls to sleep with (he's 24) and tried to make me jealous by telling me that only one girl ever knew the real him, she died a couple of weeks ago, and after we met he went on a date with her and slept with her. Way to respect the dead, you piece of worthless shit. I am so glad I rejected him. Haha. I'm actually in shock, I never thought I'd meet someone so heartless. Like, she just died dude. You didn't care about her at all, obviously. Holy crap.

Feeling a little unfulfilled tonight, but happy nonetheless. Just realised crush is such an immature phrase. Lol. But I do feel like a 13 year old, so I suppose it's quite fitting. I suppose I ought to go to bed now.

Night my dear followers.
xoxo.

You don't like it, so don't buy it.

I'm finally out of debt! I meant to blog about it when it happened on Tuesday, but I totally forgot because I became not happy - and forgot. Lol. I've been in debt since November, and I never ever want to be again. It was horrible. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders (and my paycheck). THANK GOD. Now I can get some things I've been wanting too.

I swept the entire house, vaccuumed the carpeted parts & my bathroom/toilet, cleaned two toilets & a bathtub & two basins today. My back is SCREAMING at me. Shut up, bitch. Harden the fuck up. Ugh ugh ugh. But I like how clean the house is :)

I washed my sheets twice today. Do you know how annoying it is to strip a bed that you made an hour ago? And know that you will have to make it again? The same FUCKING day? VERY. I spilled coke on it/my desk/my keyboard/the carpet. I was trying to turn around so I could close my windows (stupid little foreign children were playing outside, at night, in WOODRIDGE. Good work, parents) and I kicked the glass over. I WAS SO ANGRY. Anyway - now I have no sheets. Grr.

You know what else is annoying? The Sims crashing over and over and over until you figure out what's causing it - A FUCKING OUTFIT. God, are you kidding me? Stupid game *secretly loves it still*.

I am going. Lol. Because I've run out of things to talk about today.
Word to your mother.
TC.

P.S. Can someone please tell me why there are always people walking down my street, loudly, even at 3am?

If you only run for cover, it's just a waste of time.

I just want everyone to know that my last blog was not in any way a cry for attention. I'm totally secure now, and I know that I have people there for me. I just needed to get it all off my chest. What surprised me most was how much it helped to do that. Now I feel like, if I need to talk about it with someone I can, because now people KNOW. Now I won't have to tell the whole damn depressing story first.

I'm so fucking tired. Last night = 4hours sleep. Night before = 10hours sleep. Before that = 3hours sleep. My body is getting very, very frustrated with me, and is abusing me. Lol. I think I'll go to bed shortly. Might do a MySpace bulletin first.

Anyway, I have nothing to talk about tonight. That's always the way - I think of things when I can't blog, then by the time I can I've forgotten or I can't be bothered or I just don't care anymore.

To all my fellow Twilighters, I finished the series night before last. I hate the ending. I hate the whole last book. Ugh ugh ugh. Wish to discuss with me? Mail me, so we don't upset those who haven't read it yet :)

G'night friends.
TC. xoxo.

There is nothing you can do that I have not already done to myself.

I used to cry a lot. Nearly every single day I would cry. Sometimes I was actually upset. I was always, always sad, and sometimes it was enough to make me cry. Most times, I wanted my dad to notice. I would cry loudly in my room. I would walk out to the kitchen to get a drink with tears on my face. I'd come out and say I was going for a walk, but I'd make sure my eyes were bloodshot and my face splotchy first. I needed him to know that I was sad. I needed him to know that I was sad because of him. I loved him so much, more than I have ever loved anyone ever. He was so important to me, and he didn't understand. I chose HIM. Over my mother, the woman who gave birth to me. I chose him. And yet, when he had to choose, he did not choose me. He did not choose his daughter. He chose a woman. A woman he met, slept with that night, asked her to move in the next morning and proposed to within a couple of months. When he asked me if I was ok with her moving in, I said yes. I said yes to make him happy. I didn't want some strange woman living in my house. But I thought if it made him happy, it would make me happy. It didn't. He no longer spent the time with me that he used to. I used to be all he had. He gave me his all. I gave mine back. When he was depressed after leaving the 20-something year relationship with my mother, I was his rock, his shoulder to cry on. And he gave me what? Fun. Attention. Love. Until she came and took it all. Then he had little for me. He just couldn't see that I had given him EVERYTHING. And all of a sudden, he didn't need me anymore.

Of course, as a 15/16 year old, I couldn't cope. So I did the stupid teenage thing and tried to sabotage their relationship. At the start it was a conscious thing. I knew what I was doing. Then we had our first of many long family talks, and I promised I would stop. And consciously, I was no longer trying to sabotage it. But my subconscious mind was working away, and I was behaving accordingly. The first time he kicked me out, I had a panic attack. I was walking down the hallway, after calling him an asshole to his face and storming off, and he said "Pack your shit." I stopped, and fell into the wall. I couldn't breathe, and my brain was trying to process the simple fact that the most important person in my world did not want me around. I started to hyperventilate, and SHE came to help. I think she was saying comforting things, but I can't remember, I didn't want to listen to her. Once I could move again, I ran to the kitchen and grabbed the sharpest knife I could see in the block. As I started to press it to my wrist, SHE tackled me and SHE knocked it out of my hand. SHE saved my life. My father did nothing. He watched. Somehow she came in, ruined my life, and then when I tried to end the shit I had left, she stopped me. I don't know if she actually cared, or if it was an automatic reaction, or if it was about my father's happiness. Either way, she stopped me from being dead.

After that there was about a week (maybe longer, my recollection of this time is hazy) when I was still living there, waiting for my mother to be ready for me to move in with her. I spent my time in my room, crying mostly. Often I would just sit doing nothing at all. I thought about suicide a lot. I didn't speak to her at all. Dad tried to act normal, he would take me out to get milkshakes or other pointless things. I have never been that uncomfortable in my own house, although I suppose it wasn't my house anymore.

The day I was supposed to move in with my mother, she pulled out. She said that she was happy living alone. She rejected me. Now neither of my parents wanted me. I was filled with such self-loathing that I honestly did not see any point in my existence. All I was doing, obviously, was being a thorn in my parents' sides. Dad decided I could stay with him. How generous, as I had nowhere else to go. From here on, and probably before this also, I was depressed.

A few months later I was kicked out again. I don't remember what happened. I remember Dad dropping me at my best friend Jen's house. I stayed there for the night, I guess Dad was trying to find me somewhere to go. We watched Shark Tale, and every now and then I would start crying again. I still wished I was dead. Dad picked me up in the morning and said, again, I could come back. Apparently my mother had tried to send me to live with Dad's brother, who Dad no longer spoke to. He also told me that Harry, HER other son, had sat on his bed with something of mine (I've forgotten what) and cried while I was gone. When I came back he told me he loved me. I love him too. I continued to be depressed.

For a while, things were ok. I hated myself, but things weren't as bad. We constantly fought, but I had somewhere to live and Dad promised not to kick me out again. We moved house, hoping for a fresh start or something, and that night Josh (her son) and I got together. At this point, that was still the best night of my life, as I had been hoping for that for about 2 years. I fell in love with him, and things seemed better. He also saved my life at one point, like his mother. It was strange that I could love him so much, while I absolutely hated his mother. This put a huge strain on our relationship. We fought about it a lot. I was, and am still certain, that his mother spent our relationship trying to break us up, whether as an act of revenge or simply because she hated me I'm not sure. I am sure she wanted him to be with Rebecca, another source of strain on our relationship. Another story entirely.

After Josh and I went to the Ekka in 2007, we went back to my house (he lived with his grandparents, which is why it was not weird for us being together). When we got home, as we knew was going to happen (long story) we all had a huge fight. It was so bad that Josh, his mother and I were crying, and Dad was on the verge. There was screaming and swearing and I don't even remember the gist of it, besides me being a burden on the entire world. It ended in me pushing Josh away as he tried to comfort me. I told him I would only hurt him and he should leave. He was given the option to leave - to be driven home. But he stayed. He stayed for me. And on some level, I will always love him for that. That night, for the second time, he saved my life. If he had gone home that night, I would be dead now. But after about an hour, he came back into my room and lay beside me and held me. He told me he loved me. I have never felt that kind of gratitude to someone again or before.

In March 08, three days before my birthday, I was kicked out again. Technically Dad didn't break his promise - she kicked me out. But he did nothing. I knew if I fought again, I could stay. But I'd had enough. I needed to get out. And I had somewhere I thought I could go, so I acted. I called Hailey straight away, crying, barely able to breathe. She asked her mum, who I'm sure thought it would be a short term thing, and they promised to pick me up in the morning. Dad and her said that I could have a few days to find somewhere permanent but I refused. I hated them so much that night, the idea of even being there for the night was making me feel sick. Then I called Josh. There was nothing he could say, and I don't blame him for being unhelpful. He tried. He told me again that he loved me and that everything would be ok. I called him about five times that night, just to hear the voice of someone who wanted me. In between calls I sat on my bed, staring at my stuff, or I packed.

When I left in the morning, I didn't say goodbye. Dad did, but I didn't. He said I love you, and I walked away. In that moment, I didn't love him at all. I was still depressed at Hailey's for a month or so. Her mother, Sam; my mother; said I could stay till I finished school. She pretty much adopted me. I was treated as part of the family, one of the kids. I will always see her and Doug as parents to me and will never be able to thank them enough for that.

I love my Dad now - I forced myself to at first, so I could see my baby brother, but now I really do. I don't hate her, but I don't like her either. I resent them both, and I resent my mother, for abandoning me. I have a deep fear of abandonment now, which makes me too clingy and needy, and this was a big factor in my relationship with Josh failing. I resent them for that as well. As much as the whole thing absolutely fucked my head, if it hadn't happened I wouldn't have what I have now. I wouldn't have this new family, my friends. I wouldn't be happy. And I wouldn't have this pride in myself. Pride for pushing through. For not killing myself. For graduating, keeping jobs, getting promoted. I did it alone. My parents did nothing. I raised my damn self. Really there's a lot more to this story, but I don't need to tell it now. I don't need to get anything more off my chest. I've stopped crying.

So that's the trick to it.

So I figured out why I'm unhappy.
Everyone around me is achieving something.

Going to uni.
Starting a career.
Writing a book.

What am I doing? Working in a video store.
I'm doing nothing. And yes, I do realise that's ok.
That's the point of a gap year.
But I feel completely useless.
Gah. At the same time, I don't want to do anything.
I'm enjoying the nothing way too much.
This all makes no sense.
STUPID STUPID BRAIN!

Also, still really lonely. And therefore pathetic.
UGH UGH UGH. At myself. Bleh.

The Morning After.

I knew I'd be ok in the morning. That's how it always works :S I'm still not great but I am much better. I feel very disoriented today though. Four major reasons:

1. Last night, that kind of thing fucks with my head. I guess that's the point though.
2. I don't remember falling asleep. I always feel weird after that.
3. I slept till midday. Again, always makes me out of it.
4. I had a dream that I was in a very strong relationship with one of my closest friends. Waking up and realising I was still alone was a bit harsh.

I guess, although I'm totally screwed in the head right now, I am happy. I also figured out what was wrong. It's two things. The major one is that my parents are crap. My mother doesn't give a shit about me, and Dad only does if it doesn't affect his partner, whose name he is getting tattooed on his chest. Ugh. You're going to break up Dad, she treats you like dirt. The second reason is my back pain. But that was just a side thing.

Anyway, I'm off to distract myself.
TC.

It's all just rambling. Reader beware.

I'm in a lot of pain right now. I've felt so good for so long, it's like my body decided enough was enough. I can't possibly be healthy for long. So now my back is killing me, which makes me cry and makes my hands shake. I feel like I'm disabled or something, I can't pick things up without a 90% chance I'll drop them. I'm having trouble typing, I have to backspace at least twice every sentence. My head is pounding, which is caused by my back hurting and the hole in my tooth that's killing me because I ate sugary food. I don't want to go to the dentist though, I hate the dentist and how they try to have a conversation with you when their hands are rammed into your mouth. I can't talk when they're in there, moron. Maybe this hole will make me stop eating crap. That would be good, I'm gaining weight again. Want to know why? Because I'm fucking alone. I'm alone. Yeah ok great I have friends. Not gonna fill that one empty spot in my heart sorry. And even if I fell in love with one of them, as if they'd date me. They know me, they'd have to be crazy to want to date me. Because I'm crazy. I'm fucking crazy. I haven't felt like this for a couple of months. I was going so well. What happened? I don't understand. I don't understand why I can't just be fucking HAPPY. For a long period of time. Why does that have to end? It doesn't make any sense to me. The world doesn't make any sense to me. And I feel sick. I feel really sick. But I think it's psychosomatic. I think it's because I'm crazy. What's wrong with me? I bet I'll be fine in the morning. Or maybe in 5 minutes. Maybe I just need someone to need me. I think that's what I need. I want to be someone's world again. I can't believe how much I'm rambling. This is stupid. People have bigger problems than me, I should just shut up, right? Well fuck it.

This isn't actually about anything in particular.

Just to ease people's minds, I have calmed down and now realise that maybe there are two or three guys per country who actually do have a brain AND a penis. Amazing, I know. And I do want one, please.

I don't understand why when someone posts a blog that was obviously written in a state of extreme anger, some people have to take it personally. Are people really that self-absorbed? Do they think, oh this person must be attacking me personally here. It doesn't make any sense for you to assume that. Goodness.

You know what else I don't understand? Why males who are always at LEAST 24, if not ten years older, keep adding me on MySpace with some comment like, "You're cute, wanna chat sometime?". No, no I do not want to chat to you, you dirty pervert. I had some like, Arab guy add me. He goes "Hey I looked at your profile and the first word that came to my mouth was gorgeous. Want to be friends?" I mean, not only is that the worst pick up line I've ever heard, we don't even live in the same country. You don't want friendship, obviously, and you physically cannot get in my pants. Why are you adding me? I just don't know.

Ok so I'm 19 now, right? That's old. I feel very old. Most of my friends are still 17. I'm so old. Old old old. Anyway, I actually feel different. This is the first birthday where I've gone, holy crap I'm a year older, I'm different now. I don't actually believe it was the birthday, don't worry. But lately I have been changing, growing. I've noticed differences between me and some of my younger friends. I also noticed last night how sometimes I still act very much like a teenager. Yet this is only when I'm around other teenagers. At home, with my adult friends, I'm an adult. I'm responsible, I have wit and I can cook. It's really odd. Please don't take offence to this if you're one of my teenage friends, it honestly is not a bad thing to act like a teenager. I'm glad I have you guys to bring that out in me. And now I sound really patronising, when I'm really only a year older than you. I'm sorry. Ugh. The point is, I feel I'm more diverse now. That's the point. Why didn't I just say that? God.

I really love my friends. Last night I had the best time, and all we did was take stupid photos and listen to dumb songs. So to Bianca, Karli and Hailey, thank you for an awesome birthday celebration :) And to all my friends, thank you for not hating someone as insane and tactless and ridiculous as me. I appreciate that.

Penis or brain?

That's the decision every fetus seems to have to make.
Are all males really complete morons? They act like it. But is it just that? An act? I don't get it. Why do they have absolutely no understanding of emotions and tact and what the right thing to say is? Why are they so stupid? If you're a male reading this, please, please explain it to me.
I should just be a lesbian. Too bad I really like sex. A lot. With males. Who are stupid. GOD. It's like that's actually all they're good for. And lifting heavy things.
Ok now I'm generalising. Dejan and Tim are male, AND they're not morons. But I don't think they can lift heavy things :P
Where do I find someone who is smart, emotionally understanding, tactful and capable of someday impregnating me? WHERE???

Also, why does my boss make me do his job for him? UPDATE YOUR OWN COMPUTER! God.

Who thinks a group Southbanking is in order? I do. I miss my friends. I'll organise that. Mhm. Open invite. Except if someone invites Cinnamon or Juanita or someone like that, I'll actually kill them. No really.

It doesn't feel like it's nearly my birthday at all :(