This'll do for now.

I have been deprived. I've suffered and I've felt miserable for almost two weeks. I was lost. Why?










Lack of internet.

But now my love has returned to me, and life is once again on track.

Onto more realistic topics. FORWARD, I SAY!

Sims 3 comes out Thursday. To say I'm excited would be the understatement of the year. I play the Sims 2 all the time, it kind of consumes me. Jessica shares my passion :) We get upset when they die, for God's sake (why do I capitalize something I don't believe in?). And now they've EVOLVED! HURRAH! It's going to be incredible. I could go on rambling about it but you don't play it, do you? So you don't care/understand! I shall move on.

I caught up with an 'old flame' (lol I love that term) the other day. He came to visit me at work. He asked me something that really got me thinking (and depressed). It was very casual, because it wouldn't normally affect people this way. He said to me, while visiting me at my workplace, Video Ezy Woodridge, "So do you know what you're going to do after this?" My answer - "No." I didn't think much of it at the time (I was too busy worrying about the fact that he was clearly still infatuated with me and that it looked really bad that he was behind the counter and constantly touching me while I was supposed to be MANAGING the video store). But later I got really down about it. I'm working in a video store, in the crappiest suburb ever. I have no plans and I don't have a clue what I want from life, especially jobwise. I stewed about this for about a day, feeling miserable. But then I talked to Jessica and realised, hey, fuck it. I'm enjoying life (mostly, I'm still fucking miserably lonely) and I like my job (I just don't like the fact that I HAVE to go and I NEED it) and I like relaxing when I'm not at work, not having assignments or career pressure to worry about. I love that I'm not at uni, that was the best decision of my life. I love that I'm independent and I live with one of my best friends and my closest male friend (and another guy but meh). I love that my other best friend comes over all the time because she can, whenever she wants. I love that I have dinner at 5pm some days and 11pm others. I love that I sleep past 9 most days. I love that I find myself able to tell people how I feel in most situations. I love that my boss seems to realise that I'm a great employee (hence not firing me when I go off at him). I love watching my baby brother grow up - he's more like a little boy than a baby now. I love having the financial freedom to buy my Dad ACDC tickets. Even though I get really fucking depressed sometimes (about having no direction and about being lonely as all hell), I love my life. I love that I have three people I can go to with my problems and I know they'll care. THREE! That's amazing. Well four, but I don't go to Thomas about a lot of things simply because he's male. Sexist, I know. Fuck it, I'm racist too, suck on it.

Man I missed blogging. I think it's my favourite part of the internet. Well, besides Sims custom content :P

Dear customers.

Dear Customers,

I fucking hate every single one of you tonight. It's like it's fucking "whinge about every single fucking cent" night. FUCK OFF WITH YOUR FUCKING WHINGING AND STICK IT UP YOUR FAT BOGAN ASSES, I HATE YOU ALL.

5 cents? Shut the fuck up. No one fucking gives a shit about 5 cents accept YOU people. If you went out and got fucking jobs maybe you wouldn't care, but you're too fucking lazy for that aren't you? You just watch movies all FUCKING day.

And don't have a go at me because you were too busy sitting on your fat ass to bring your movies back on time. If you had just returned them on time you wouldn't have fucking fees. It's not my fault. It's also not my fault you can't read the TWO signs that say "After Hours Shute". Yeah, guess what - we don't empty that during the evening. Take the extra two fucking steps through the fucking doors and put it in the proper shute before I snap your fucking neck. I hate you. I hate you so fucking much you bunch of lazy cunts. I hope you all die.

Fuck you very much,
Tara,
Video Ezy Woodridge.

Success.

I walked to work anyway. I started walking to the bus stop and the fresh air got my respiratory system up and running again, so off I set. I made it - just. Then I was really tired all night. Lucky Bianca came in when I was on my own, since I felt really sick too. God I love her. However, the incompetent improved tonight, which was a big surprise. Haha saying however reminded me of my cousin Riley. He's 8, and has just discovered the word 'however', and somehow managed to put it at the start of 90% of his sentences on Sunday. So cute. Anyway, Incompetent used initiative, which left me in shock. Also he served customers and only asked me for help ONCE during my half hour break, because he couldn't understand the African man who wanted "World with the Apes". No clues for that one guys. I think it was more the accent Incompetent had trouble with. Satisfying, but long night overall. Pretty happy now. I'm going to have a long bubble bath and then watch a movie. Night all.

Screw you, Mr Cold. (Not the temperature though, it can stay forever.)

Yeah, trust my body to fuck me over.
One of the main points of my new regime has been put on hold.
I can barely breathe at all, and I can't breathe through my nose.
Thank you VERY much, cold. Shove it up your ass.
So, I'm going to work but there's no way I'd make that walk.
I'd collapse or something. Too bad there's a hill, otherwise I'd probably try it.
Gah gah gah. So irritated right now.
Back to the bus stop I go.
And I have to work with a total incompetent tonight.
On a cheap Tuesday night. In a video store. In Woodridge.
Option 1 - suicide. (Nah, it's not that bad)
Option 2 - murder the incompetent. (Jail is not appealing to me)
Option 3 - ...
There's no other options. :P
I guess I'll just grin and bear it. Eh.
At least I have tomorrow off. Yay, SLEEP IN. :)

The new outlook.

Seeing my family is a very exhausting experience for me, hence the 9:30pm sleeping last night. I think it's because I'm acting the entire time I'm there, unless one of my aunts manages to get me one-on-one, or I'm chatting to my cousin. The rest of the family has no idea who I am, and I'd like to keep it that way to be honest. They're not like me, and I don't think they would understand me, so it's easier this way. I sort of wish I had a different family, but realistically it's only my mother I'd like to swap.

Bianca and I have big plans, and I'm super happy about them because it's given me a goal. I'm now working towards something that matters to me, so I don't feel like my life is completely useless anymore. That was one of my biggest issues that was causing my depression - a lack of direction. Now, however, we're in serious saving mode. We plan to take a road trip around the country, and our goal is to leave by the end of 2010. We'll need a lot of money just for living expenses, but none for accommodation because we're going to buy a campervan. Bonus of that is that we can sell it afterwards and get a grand or so each back. I haven't been this excited about something in a long time. I'm really glad I'll get to do it with Bianca. She's the one person I could spend forever with and not want to kill myself.

I figured, with this extreme saving going on, I might as well lose some weight too. Walking to and from work saves bus money and not eating crap all the time saves money by not BUYING said crap. I started this today, so far I've walked to and from work and walked around the store all day, squatting as much as possible, and I've only had a yogurt and a little bit of leftover noodles. This is exciting me too, because I know it will work if I can keep it up. It's basically how I lost 30kg last time - walking and not eating crap. I don't have a weight goal though. I have a looks goal, which you probably all think is really awful but my BMI says I'm healthy. When I look in the mirror though, I don't see healthy. I see chubby. So I'll work on that. Maybe I could lessen the size of my boobs too - I hate them.

In a perfect world this wouldn't make me sick.

God, that lyrics is so incredibly relevant. It's from Perfect World by Billy Talent - such a good song. Anyway.

I don't know what happened. For a couple of months early this year, I was so happy. Everything seemed just the way I wanted it. But I lost it. The happiness is gone. Now I can clutch at it, but my fingers are slippery with misery. It keeps falling away from me. I don't know how to get it back. Well, I know falling in love would probably do it. But it's not something you just go out and do. I guess I just have to take steps.

I'm going to lose some more weight and stop gaining it. I'm going to cut down on the shit that I eat, and the frequency too. Maybe I'll go to the gym. I'm going to go out more and dance, all night. It's a brilliant workout *nudge*Bianca*nudge*. I'm also going to cut down my spending. My money has a habit of disappearing but I plan to stop that.

I think what's really got me down right now is dredged up memories caused by not-exactly-good news. I considered not naming names but anyone who bothers to read this will know who I'm talking about anyway, and there's a 99% chance he won't read it and she sure as hell won't. Josh told me on Monday, when I was already pretty down, that he and Rebecca were finally getting together. Back story = he's liked her forever, since before we dated, and it always made me very nervous because they were also best friends. I think it would bug me less if a) there wasn't that back story and she was just some girl, and b) she didn't hate me for no apparent reason. I don't quite know what I feel about it. I'm not jealous, because I don't want Josh back. I think it's just salt in a very old wound. It hurts. My stomach churns when I think about it. I wish I didn't have to think about it. I wish I could cut him out of my life - I wish I could have done that back in August. But he's always going to be there and as much as I wish he wasn't, I'm also really glad he is. It's twisted and stupid but I really care about him and I'm glad he's my friend. I wonder if it would be better never to have loved.

Don't believe their headlines.

You know when you're alone, for a long time, and every now and then it hits you? And you get really depressed about it and know you're going to keep being alone forever and just want to die? Yeah, that's me right now.

I had a dream last night about sex. But not just sex, LOVE. I was in love, and I knew he loved me and that's why we were having sex. And I woke up in my own bed, alone. And I wanted to die. I'm so sick of being alone. I'm so FUCKING lonely. I wish I wasn't. I wish I didn't need love. But I fucking do. And until I find it again, I don't think I'll really be happy.