She puts the weights into my little heart.

Walking home through the back streets seems so much quicker than taking the main roads. Maybe it's the peace and quiet. Maybe it's the lack of cars speeding by at a million times my pace. Maybe it's just the fact that it's nicer to look at houses than look at cars. Actually it's probably the lesser amount of pollution clogging my lungs.

One of my favourite things in the world is to come home after a day at work, change into my PJs and flop on my bed. I usually get up within a few minutes but it's just so nice to lie there and reflect for a minute. Not move, not have anything required of me. I can just lie there and BE. It's a shame I have to go to work in the first place for this to happen, lol.

I'm going to see my cousin's show on Friday, with Bianca. I'm really excited. It's a Bowie thing, so that will be awesome. Plus I've never heard her sing by herself, only in a choir, and even that was years ago. I'm 99% sure she has a solo part, and I can't wait to hear it :) I'm so proud of her. Best cousin ever.

BIANCA'S NEARLY 18. YEW! I'm so excited. Soon we can have anal sex, and my life long goal will be fulfilled. Seriously though, we can go out to pubs and pick up sexy men. Mmm. Her pay will go up. Which means we can go out more. Also, I can give her her present. Which I'm really excited about. Even though she hates the whole idea and the fact that it isn't cheap. Lol. YAY FOR SATURDAY.

Hey Bianca, did you know Placebo mentions your birthday in The Bitter End?
We're running out of alibi's
On the second of May
Reminds me of the summer time
On this winter day.

Mmm Thomas just brought me some croissants. Ah I love it here :)

Final note - congratulations to Jazzy on getting YSA social coordinator!

There is nothing you can do that I have not already done to myself.

I'm ok. I considered deleting the last two blogs, but I can't delete what happened or how I feel so what's the point in hiding it from people? I decided to cut someone from my life today. They weren't worth the bother really, and they were too immature for my liking anyway. I feel a sense of freedom now. I think I was holding on to the idea of liking someone who wasn't all that likable.

I'm really thankful that I have Bianca and Emily at the moment. I thought I was going to lose Bianca last night, and the thought literally destroyed any hope I had for my life. I honestly didn't want to keep living without her as my friend. I guess she's become everything to me. Through this, Emily was there. She told me it would be ok, and she was right. I think I would have done something stupid without her texting me, consoling me and reassuring me. Thank you Emily.

I guess I'm just going through a tough patch at the moment. It feels a bit like everything's falling apart, but I guess it's not. It didn't help today that my Dad got sacked. The business is closing because of the recession. He's staying surprisingly positive about the opportunities this will bring, but the whole situation worries me. If we don't need commercial removalists, we're not going to need video stores. I do not want to lose my job. The recession scares me. I wish Rudd would hurry up and give me some money - that'd cheer me up a bit.

Here's a little interesting side story for you. Today at work I was sexual harrassed. Not even subtly. This islander guy came in at 9:20am. I was working alone. He started chatting to me. His school shirt was draped over his massive shoulder. I wasn't frightened, but I'm pretty sure he wanted me to be. It was all fine to start with, talking about how he had a spare and was 18 because he'd had to repeat, and what it was like to work at Video Ezy. Then he started asking really personal questions. Like whether I'd had sex/given head. Whether I wore g-strings. What it was like to "have a dick through me." And more. I told him you can't just ask girls things like that, it's inappropriate. Then he asked if I'd go out with him. I laughed at him. He then told me I had a really nice ass and asked if he could squeeze it. I told him to leave. He said he was joking around, and what size are my boobs? I told him I was about to hit the emergency button (for the police). Finally, he left. It was awful. I felt physically ill afterwards, I had to go sit down. People are disgusting. How can anyone think that that behaviour is ok? I don't understand the human race at all. Oh he also asked if he could go out the back and have a wank. Charming.

Be thankful if you don't work in Woodridge people. Really, really thankful.

P.S. Emily and Bianca, I fucking love you guys. <-- first time I've sworn all blog. *proud face*

I'm crying again and it's pathetic.

I'm so angry.
Why would you BLOG to someone?
It's PUBLIC.
You don't blog to someone.
Sure, blog, have a bitch.
Don't write the whole thing saying "you this, you that".
That's crap. People are crap.

And now, there's assuming.
And maybe a rift.
And maybe I'm losing someone I'm living for.
Because I had a whinge.
And even though I always listen.
It seems too much for other people to do.

WHY DO I FUCKING BOTHER?

I think I'll just crawl into a hole and die.
Yay, fresh depression.

The Small Things

It really is the small things.
Maybe it's my small mind.
But somehow I've been cheered up.
Not to the point of being happy.
But I'm not upset anymore.

It was a combination of three things that did it.
Three things that shouldn't.
Especially one of them.

New music that I love.
Cold, freshly opened coke.
Finding out that a fairly attractive guy wants to get in my pants.

Ah, I am pathetic. But at least I'm not miserable.

What's the point then?

Today was pretty bad. I feel terrible both physically and emotionally now.
I'm sick - my nose is running, my throat burns, my head throbs,
my back aches and my neck keeps cramping up.

My iPod jack, where the earphones plug in, officially died today.
So I can't listen to my iPod anymore except through my 360.
Then, to top that off, my computer speakers died.
So the ONLY way I can listen to music is through my 360.

Now I have 2 things I have to replace.
With money.
That I don't have.

I need to work so I can get money.
Because right now I'm in dire need of it.
But I'm sick and work makes me want to die.

I was abused tonight because a man in Victoria was receiving texts.
His number had been given falsely on someone's account.
And they had overdue movies.
Apparently it was me personally who sent the texts.
And he was going to call the police on me for it.
Then he was going to call them because I wouldn't give him the name
of the guy who used his number.
I eventually yelled at him through the phone that
NO ONE IS OUT TO GET YOU.

On top of all that, Bianca's puppy is missing.
He could be anywhere, with anyone, in any state.
In Woodridge. I want him to be ok and back at her house.
I'm scared. I hate being scared.

Also, I realised tonight that I'll never fall in love again.
I'm too scared of everyone. I won't let anyone get close to me.
I can't trust people.
I can't even trust myself.

I am not a jellyfish.

I'm so very tired. It's insane how tired I am. Bianca's bed kills me, as do her noisy noisy noisy need-to-be-disowned siblings. Lucky I love her so much or I'd totally ditch her :P I was in a SHIT mood all day at work, it got worse on the way home and then I walked in and lay on my bed and couldn't help but smile. Like, I literally couldn't stop it from appearing on my face. My bed was so comfortable in that moment that I felt that I could stay there forever. I very nearly did. So I chucked on a movie and lay there for a good couple of hours. So great.

If you like horror movies, you have got to watch Quarantine. It scared the absolute shit out of me. I jumped so many times, nearly screamed even. I was nearly in tears at one point. Then as soon as it finished I jumped up and turned the light on, but I was still freaked so I had to go sit in Jess's room for a while. Then I had to get her to walk back with me so I could turn the light on in the little room before my bedroom because it was dark. I'm so pathetic hahaha. It was great though.

I'm getting my hair cut and dying it tomorrow. I really love doing that. Makes me feel all new and groovy-like. Bianca's getting her's cut too. CHOP IT OFF. There's so much hahaha. And we're seeing Fast and Furious. YAYAYAYAYAY. Excited, yup yup.

Anyway I'm gonna go get me some ice cream (with Ice Magic of course) and watch some pretty anime :) The perfect end to a lovely night at home.

Love ya's all!

Extra extra, read all about it.

I love my job. Even though sometimes I say I hate it, sometimes I really would rather do many painful things to myself than go, even though I want to murder 90% of our customers in their sleep along with my fuckwit of a boss; I love it. It just fits for me. It works. Work works. Lol.

You know, I miss the way people used to be. People I know, I mean. Not people in general, they've always been a bit crap. Maybe, though...maybe what I'm missing is how I viewed people when I was different. When I was younger, less mature. Sometimes I feel like some people are below me, and then I feel really guilty. But I know I'm more mature than a lot of the people I know. And I hate that. I can't wait for people to grow up. I'm so old. I just wish some people didn't throw tantrums over shitall and others didn't use stupid phrases and that others could spell and use grammar and MANNERS. What happened to manners anyway? They've left us. I guess I just feel a little separate from my friends, except for a couple of them. Which is a bit crap.

Bianca mentioned this in her blog already, but I too am going to discuss it. Easter is dead for me, because I am old. I don't want to eat mass amounts of chocolate because my body will beat me up for it. There will be vomiting, I promise. I can't anymore. And it doesn't appeal to me anyway. I don't care, it's not exciting, and I don't eat breakfast, especially if it involves easter eggs. I'm glad it's over.

Mindless Self Indulgence were in-freaking-credible live. Absolutely riveting and so energetic. Jimmy, the lead singer, was everywhere at once, all over the stage and down with the crowd, pulling random audience members up there to sing or to be his horse, haha. The drummer Kitty was really getting into it and the guitarist Steve was just slightly crazy and often lying on the floor of the stage while playing. He even smashed a guitar. What a mad guy. It was just awesome being there, feeling the energy. I love concerts. I wish more good ones were coming up but no. Just old bands or the type I don't like - screamo and hardcore. Yuck, pass. Goddammit. Anyway, MSI are my favourite band now. Sorry LP, you've been shafted. You know, I'm not even sure that's the right word, but I figure you'll all get the idea. I need to go to Rocking Horse so I can get all their albums and some other random crap. POSTERS, I NEED POSTERS.

I am single, single single single. Ask me out. Sick of it. Lol. It's so lonesome being unloved. Hahaha. Ah the patheticness...patheticity? Pathetic? What the fuck is the noun for that?

I think I'm gonna go shower. GAH my chest hurts again. DEATH TO YOU, HEART!

Forget it.

And I'm moving on. Again. He's not going to become interested in me. A blog he wrote confirmed it. So I'm on the hunt again. Not sure why I bother really. Guess I'll just be lonely forever.

Rhapsody On A Windy Night

Bianca and I were car-stalked last night. I was worried, but excited. It was a lone male in a car. We were in the Macca's drive thru, and we'd stopped at the normal payment window, but no one was there. He was in front of us, and motioned for us to move forward, that it was all at the front window. Then he motioned for us to call him. It was all very amusing, and he was young and not unattractive. Then as we drove off after chatting to my friend who was working at the time, he began to follow us. He had waited in the carpark for us to leave. We thought it was hilarious, but started freaking out a little when he took the same route through the Video Ezy carpark, then a u-turn and turned left onto Kingston Rd. He pulled up beside my side, so at the last minute we turned right, and he missed the turn. He waved goodbye though, smiling. As we drove away from him, I felt disappointed. What if we'd just missed an opportunity for something exciting, amazing, life-changing? What if he was one of our soul mates? What if he was just a really nice guy? I feel like I'm too cautious sometimes, though I'm sure most of the people who know me would say the opposite. I feel like I'm missing out on what life has to offer. I need to DO everything. We were driving again today, home from Garbo. It was pissing down rain. I had my window down a little. A truck drove past and all this water splashed into my window. It was HILARIOUS. We nearly crashed because Bianca was laughing so hard. I guess it doesn't seem funny to you. You weren't there. I think I might go read now. My back super duper hurts again. Woohoo.