Insomnia

I cannot sleep. It's completely impossible. I'm thinking about way too much. Getting a car, getting a phone on a plan, ideas to make my workplace run better, what I want to buy tomorrow. Well, today, since it's 4am. It's freezing out here. I need a freaking laptop so I can do this in bed. I actually have shit all to blog about, considering the amount of shit going through my head. It's all boring though, so I won't tell you. Maybe I should go and read. I just don't know. There's no solution.

Anyway, since I just sat here for five minutes trying to think of something else to write, I think I'll just go.

UGH.

I'm back in that place where I don't know who I am or where I truly stand with anyone. I hate it so much. I wish I could just move away to some other country. Start again. Find people who don't know a thing about me. It's so dangerous opening yourself up to someone. Loving people kills you in the end. And eventually it turns out it's not worth it because they all leave. And then you're alone again.

I'm using 'and' at the start of sentences. That's terrible grammar. *smacks own hand*

I cleaned the kitchen floor today. "Big deal" you say? Oh yeah, it was actually, because our mop fell apart a few weeks ago so I cleaned the damn floor with a chux and shower power. It's all pretty and shiny now though :) Which is good, since I'm cooking tonight. I hate a dirty kitchen. Which ours generally is, unfortunately. I think starting a sentence with 'which' is also bad grammar. Dammit.

I love Emily. Just thought I'd throw that out there, since she's amazing and often says the same thing about me in her blogs haha.

You know what I don't get? Why someone I know seems to have a new date every second weekend and I can't find a single guy. It's supremely unfair. SHARE THEM, DAMN YOU. I mean, unless my friends are liars (which they may well be) and I'm actually an ugly, fat cow (as I've often considered), then it makes no sense that I can't meet anyone except dirty perverts who message me on MySpace. Ugh.

Just ugh to everything.

You never dreamed you'd have to live your life so guarded.

I had a dream last night in which I drank alcohol.
It was just beer, but I had a fair bit.
When I woke up, I felt really guilty.
I think that means I'll stick to my guns on this one.

I found out something about one of my high school friends yesterday.
It kind of blew my mind and changed my whole perspective.
I always thought she was really nice and just a little ditzy.
But it turns out she's actually a horrible person.
Who knew? Well, not me, clearly.
I wish I knew these things. Bah.

Well I don't have anything else to blog about today.
So that's all you get. :P

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I feel like shit. I have a minor case of the flu and it's knocking me around something cronic. It's making me incredibly miserable because I can't really do much. I can't really go out. I have trouble sitting up for long periods of time, including at my computer. It's best if I just lie in bed all day watching stuff or reading. It sounds great - for a few hours. Ugh. I had to cancel on plans this weekend to catch up with a close friend who I don't get to see much and to see my Dad and brother. I'm so upset about that I could scream. I want my energy back and I want to be able to breathe around people without feeling guilty. This sucks. Bianca wanted me to cover her shift tonight (she had this first and she had it for about a week before me and she still needs shift covers because of it - good omen :/) and I wanted to say yes but I think I would die in that place right now. And that is the very very last place I want to die. I can't breathe properly, I can't sleep properly, I can't taste properly and my head throbs constantly. FUCK THIS.

On an unrelated note, some happy, though old news. It's something that I've known in the back of my mind for months, but it really only just clicked on Thursday. When I think about Josh now, the things we did together or the things he said, I feel nothing. There's no pang anymore. No longing. It's like thinking about something a coworker said. It doesn't affect me at all. I thought about the fact that he called me a whore shortly after we broke up, and all I was worried about was how sexist that term is (hey hang on, how come its ok for men to sleep around - then they're studs, and we're whores? That ain't right). Then I started laughing. In the middle of the street. And people looked at me funny :/ Lol.

To all of you who love to read, you should check out the Sookie Stackhouse novels by Charlaine Harris. They're brilliant. Also, Stephenie Meyer ripped them off when she wrote the Twilight books and she did a crappy job of it. So far there are 9, I think, and she's still writing them :) I'm on the 4th now. Love them. Gosh.

Anyway, if someone could refer me to some magical pill that will cure me, please let me know.

Sunday night.

Strange and interesting and wonderful.
It kind of seems surreal.
I was told things by my amazing best friend that I'd been wanting to hear :)
And though she was drunk, I know she was telling the truth.
It was really fun until I started throwing up.
And continued all through the early morning.
Now my stomach, back, chest, throat and facial muscles all ache.
I also have a cold. So I keep sneezing and coughing.
Which hurts those muscles enough to bring tears to my eyes.
And laughing hurts. Yeah, my favourite thing in the whole world hurts me.
Fuck.
So I've quit drinking. And I know I've said this before.
But this time it's for real. That's it. I'm not doing it anymore.
I may have a beer here and there. It's the only alcohol I really like for its taste.
I'm not going to have a couple of cruisers or whatever.
Because they actually taste awful unless you're drunk.
I drink to get drunk and getting drunk always ends in me feeling HORRIBLE.
So I'm not doing it anymore. New...week resolution.
On an unrelated note, The Sims 3 is freaking awesome :)

I don't feel anything at all?

I realised today that the teen years were total bullshit. I called dozens of people my best friends at different intervals, I recall having 8 at one time once. Which sounds lovely but did they really mean anything? One hates me. Two are still my best friends. The others I barely talk to. One hates me though. What the fuck is that? Oh, we're best friends. Oh wait, shit, I just remembered, you suck. Nevermind, don't talk to me. Oh yeah, and she ditched me just after my first love did. THANKS BITCH. People are awful and I hate teenagers.

It's just so bizarre that I used to have so many friends, not talking myself up, I really did. I hung out with loads of people. Now I talk to a select few and basically see two. TWO! Plus one who's new. So a grand total of three friends I could really call close. I have another who I text everyday but never see, who means a lot to me. Oh oh, we've upgraded to four. Look out, here comes Miss Social Butterfly. I feel old.

I'm in a weird mood. I'm not sad, I'm not angry. I'm lonely but that's constant now. The song I'm listening to was just repeating "I don't feel anything at all." How coincidental. I am feeling something. I don't know what the fuck it is though. Nostalgia perhaps. I wish Bianca were here.

I'm also starting to think I'm in love with her. She'll read this and be like, oh shit. Lol. I know nothing can happen though so I think I've just accepted it. I don't even think really that I would want anything more. Who says you can't be in love without kissing and fucking and calling them your girlfriend? She means more to me than Josh ever did and I sure as hell fell in love with him. If you'd honestly do anything for someone and you could spend all your time with them happily, isn't that love? If they mean the world to you? If you'd kill yourself if you lost them? Yeah, pretty sure that's love. I wonder what will happen when I fall in love with someone else. My life makes no fucking sense at all. I still wish she was here. :/