Take it or leave it.

I was forced to grow up. When my parents split, I had to decide who I wanted to live with. I chose my father. He sank into depression and I became the parent. Suddenly I was doing the extremely tight budget and the grocery shopping and such. He was helping, but he wasn't focused on it at all. Then I got kicked out. That really wakes you up. I moved in with a family but I was responsible for myself. I made the decision each day to go to school. To keep a job. I paid board, which was only $10 less than the rent I'm paying now. Then at the end of the year, I moved out with friends. I was completely broke. Fortunately my friends didn't mind paying my part of the bond, and already had everything for the house. I also ended up owing one of my housemates a lot of money because I struggled to pay my rent. Struggling for money really forces you to age. I still have my childish moments but so does my Dad. I feel like I'm 39, not 19. I keep getting urges to get married and have babies. But I don't mind that I have to be an adult so soon. It's ok with me. I don't like most teens anyway. I think others have a problem with it though. I don't like parties anymore. I don't like clubbing, which sucks because I love to dance. I don't drink. I like sitting around home. In fact, I LOVE home. I think some people miss the old drinking, partying Tara. It's also making me less compatible with one of my best friends, and she keeps getting annoyed with me. I feel like we both have so much going on at the moment that we should take a "break" like couples do. Bad idea though - those breaks don't usually end. Also, I miss Hailey. It's my fault, I didn't put effort into seeing her. But I don't really put effort into seeing anyone anymore. Maintaining friendships is too hard, which is why I'm glad two of my best friends live with me and the other works with me. Bianca's pop is dying of cancer, and I think she thinks I don't care. But I just don't know what to say. What do you say to someone in that situation? "It's gonna be ok"? That's a lie. It's not. He's dying. I wish no one ever found out they were gonna die and everyone just dropped dead when it was their time. I think it's better that way. I feel so lost at the moment. I'm very unhappy and I don't know why. I think it'll pass. I think I need a change, and we're moving soon so maybe that will fix it. I want to be happy, and people think that me getting out more is the solution. But I don't like "getting out" unless it's like, shopping and a movie. That's it. This whole blog has just been a huge ramble. If you don't want to be friends with me, just don't.

...

I don't think I'm who I was before anymore.






In which case;




Who the hell am I?

I hope that you remember that pride comes before a fall.

I should be more grateful. I complain all the time, but it's just in my nature to do so because of the environment I was raised in. I have three best friends though, and they're genuine friends. They're all so incredibly important to me, and all in different ways. I'm so lucky to have that, because so many people struggle to find true friendship. I've started to take it for granted. But I try to tell them that I love them regularly. I really do, with all my heart. I can be completely open and honest with all three of them. Maybe I'm the luckiest girl ever. Except:

1. I'm incredibly lonely. I'm surrounded by these three amazing people pretty much all the time. Yet my heart aches with loneliness. I so badly want to find love again. I was over it for a while, I'd stopped caring and moved on to just wanting to get some action. But now it's back to wanting a full blown relationship. I really can't wait to find one again. One that's worthwhile, that is.

2. I've grown to hate my job. I didn't hate it before. But it has become progressively worse. The boss has somehow gotten lazier and more uncaring. The air con is broken and he won't respond when we ask him if it's being fixed soon. It's so incredibly awful in the store now because there is no air. I feel sick when I'm there, and I can't tell whether it's from the heat/lack of oxygen or from my hatred of that place and the people in it. The staff are lazy and unhelpful and just generally crap. The customers are incredibly frustrating and I find myself having to consciously restrain myself from punching them in their fat, ugly faces. I started looking at other jobs on seek today and became so excited at the prospect of quitting that I nearly started crying. But then I realised that finding a new job would be really, really stupid right now. In just over a year I'll be leaving for a three month road trip. If I stay at the job I have now, there's a 99% chance that I'll have a job waiting when I return. If I find a new job, they aren't going to appreciate me taking three months off a year into working there. Also, my job is stable. I'm way past probation and I'm a shift manager with guaranteed hours.

I'm stuck. Absolutely stuck. I cannot wait until the road trip. When I get back, I'd like to study. But I'll only do that if I've figured out what I want out of life. Otherwise it would be pointless. If I haven't I'll probably find some full time assistant store manager or reception job.

These dust storms are ridiculous. They're killing me. My sensitive (aka weak-ass) skin is freaking out, my eyes are watery all the time, my throat hurts and I'm sneezing constantly. Ugh. Stupid nature. Like spring wasn't bad enough already.

Will we make our mark this time?

A woman came in tonight with most of her bra showing. It makes me wonder at what point can you not afford a mirror? Though surely she could just look down. It was a big granny bra, it's not like it was hard to spot. Where is your self respect woman? Christ.

Is it better to take all the chances? What's worse; Doing something you shouldn't, or not doing something you should? I'd rather fuck something up than miss out on the opportunity of a life time. Right? This blog is kind of failing. I keep thinking of topics but I can't talk about any of them for long. I'VE LOST MY ESSAY SKILLS!

Yeah, so since I suck, this is all you're getting, kind readers :P

Guess Who's Back; Back Again.

I haven't blogged in ages, aye. I haven't had time for anything really. It's been odd. I was working 5 days a week for a few weeks, that's why. But now I have returned to 4 days a week and I have time on my hands again.

I applied for three different loans and got knocked back on all three. So it looks like a big fat fail on the loan front. I'm just going to have to buy a cheap car, then save again, then buy a laptop. It's such a pain in the ass. I think I'll look into rent-buying a laptop though. I really, really want one NOW. I've been wanting one for years. Ugh. Two of the loans were only for $6000. I can't believe they knocked me back. Screw them. Damn financial institutions.

I destroyed my savings a little on Sunday though. I went on a $700 shopping spree. I didn't mean to or realise that I'd spent $700 until I went to pull some cash out for Cold Rock and BAM; my account was missing $700. But I'm ok with it, because I got a heap of nice clothes, which I needed, and two pairs of shoes and a bunch of jewellery. I still have $800 in the bank. On Thursday, payday, it'll kick back over the $1000 mark. So it's all good, I just have to be super stingy for a few weeks. I already put $100 back into it by depositing my change that I collect.

I don't know if I've already blogged about this, but we've decided that at the end of this lease, which is the end of November, Jess and I are moving out and separating from the boys, and we're pulling her friend Kahli in with us. I'm so excited about it. It'll be really nice to not live with boys for a while, as much as I love Thomas. Getting away from Brent will be SUCH a relief. And it will be so much fun! The three of us have a ball together. We're going to be able to have all our things in the living areas now, and decorate, and buy matching kitchenware, haha. I can't wait!

Fucking Christ sake.

I hate that I miss someone I'm so angry with. That's unfair, don't you think? It happens everytime I have a fight with a friend though. No matter how certain I am that they're in the wrong, I end up being the one to cave because I miss them. Clearly more than anyone ever misses me or cares about me. Why the fuck do I bother having relationships with people at all? They all fuck you over in the end, right? It's human nature to be shit.

I'm realising more and more how much I love my Dad now. I think I've finally gotten over all the shit and I really genuinely want him around now. I got an offer to move back in and it was really, really tempting. But of course, his partner is still there, and I'm sure it would still be crap to live with her. But living with Dad and Ben would be great, that's for sure. I do really love living with Jess though, and after November we'll be living with Kahli too, so I'm pretty excited about that. Life is hard :/

Yesterday, I felt like shit. I tried all day to find a cover for my shift but no one would help me except someone who was already working at the other store. Then this morning one of these useless coworkers has the gall to text me and ask if I can work tonight! FUCK YOU. As if I'm going to help you now.

I'm really just sick of people and their general shitness. I hate you all, you fucking disgusting human beings.

I miss you - you know who you are.

Back in the game.

I haven't blogged in quite some time, and to be honest there's nothing to blog about, so I don't know why I'm here. A random urge, I suppose.

This weekend, starting tomorrow, is going to be so awesome. Holy crap. Ekka tomorrow! I freaking love the Ekka. Then staying at Jimboomba with Bianca till Sunday. Heck yes. I'm gonna drive her car :) Gig on Saturday night at Broadbeach, because we can. Then my aunt and uncle's birthday celebration at the grandparents' place on Sunday, Bianca's coming, Chinese for lunch, freaking awesome. It's been so long since I've had Chinese *reminisces* mmm.

Next week, I'll be applying for a loan so I can get a car and a laptop. I have a letter from my boss stating that I have guaranteed hours despite my casual status, I have a letter from Hailey's mum vouching for me since I paid board there, and if all else fails and they need me to have a guarantor, Hailey's mum agreed to that too. I shouldn't though. I hope I don't. I really want to do this on my own. But yay! I can't decide if I'm more excited about the car or the laptop. I've wanted a laptop for soooooooooooo long, but a car man. Man...a car.

So I'm pretty sure tonight will drag like crazy. RAs will probably be done by the time I get there, so I'll only have slicks to do. I'll have to find something else. You're all thinking, what the fuck are RAs and slicks? Haha, never you mind, little dears. Never you mind.

I was angry when I met you, I think I'm angry still.

I really hate how my body looks at the moment. Well, I like my boobs and I'm pretty happy with my ass. But I hate my stomach and my thighs and my upper arms. I hate them. The fat deposits. So for a while, I'm only having breakfast and dinner, because all the dieticians and experts say that if you want to skip a meal, make it lunch. If I get hungry during the day, I'll embrace the feeling of my stomach eating itself. If it gets too bad for that, I'll have a barley sugar. I can have anything I like for dinner, for example I'm going out to the Pancake Manor tomorrow and that's absolutely fine. Although, I'm going to switch from Macca's to Subway for work dinners. Once a week, I'm going to have ice cream for dessert. I'm going to keep walking to work, to the train station, to anywhere. I'm even turning coke back into a treat. I just have to fix it.

I've so successfully convinced myself that alcohol is horrible to the point where the thought of drinking it makes me feel nauseated. A year ago, I would have said nauseous, but that's not technically a word. It's nauseated. Anyway, I don't understand what I ever saw in it. I suppose I just wanted to be happy for a while, you know? Either way, I'm happy naturally now, so I don't need that false burst of happiness. I get that from living. Those people who in their lists of interests put 'drinking' seem rather pathetic. Drinking? You're interested in putting alcohol in your system. That's your hobby. Good work. Even before I quit it was never in my interests. Geez.

I can't wait till the end of next year.

90s music rocks.

I got proposed to last night. At work. This man dropped off his movies, looked at my name badge and then said, "Tara, if I win the lotto will you marry me?" Quite embarrassing - it was very busy. I said no. Lol.

I still haven't driven a car. Sigh. I'll get to that though. I'll apply for a loan soon, then I'll have a car to drive. Yay :)

I stayed at Jimboomba for two nights with Bianca. It was fucking freezing, and the fire wouldn't catch, but it was fun and good to get away. I shall be doing that again soon.

I had a dream last night that I went camping by myself (among a bunch of other weird dreams). I stayed on top of a sand dune that had a rock wall running along the top. On one side was the beach, which was stunning, and on the other where I stayed (to avoid the tide) had a stream created by the tide further down the beach. It was amazing. Maybe one day I'll go camping alone.

My nose is driving me insane. I think I might chop it off.

Held Up

So last night I was finally involved in a hold up. I knew it would happen at some point, working nights in Woodridge, and I was thinking it would happen soon because it's happened twice just recently. But I thought it would be like those. Not nasty. Not scary. Just hand them the money and they leave. It wasn't like that. I wish it had been.

He came in and before I knew it he was right behind me, with a stanley knife at my throat. I've never been so scared in my life. I'm so grateful that I was on with Wesley, because he just did what the man said calmly and everything was fine. It was horrifying though. When he left I burst into tears. I slept terribly last night and then today when I tried to have a nap because of nightmares.

I hate him. Apparently they think he's responsible for about 20 armed hold ups, 5 of them last night. While the police were there, they got a call about another at Underwood. It was totally separate. What the fuck is going on? We've had three in a month. Just before ours, the Eagle Boys right near us got held up. The servo behind us gets held up regularly. I hate Woodridge.

Many things, none terribly important. Or maybe they are *ponders*

So I was right. I'm always right, aren't I? He turned out to be a selfish prick, so I shan't be meeting him. Found out I was a depressive and "didn't want to be involved in that kind of thing". Kind of thing? Fuck you, asshole.

I suppose it's probably better for me to stay single until after the roadtrip. I mean, three months at least away from someone I'm in love with? Not awesome. It would put a serious damper on the trip. I just want it to be about spending the time with Bianca and seeing the country and getting some serious life experience. I just don't like being single. But eh. This is far more important to me than anything I've ever aimed for in my life, so finding a boyfriend is rating pretty low. Losing weight and saving money and getting my Ps - they're the priorities.

I finished Mass Effect yesterday. I had no idea what to do - I'd become so involved in the story and the characters. At the end, everyone thought I was dead, and I didn't know if I was (well, my character, you know), and I was so upset. But she was ok! Hoorah! Anyway, so I ended up just starting the game again. It's just the best :)

I'm actually quite excited about Bianca staying at Jimboomba now. I plan to get out there as much as possible with her. It'll be nice to stay in the country and have all that open space. I might ask her to teach me to drive, really basic of course. The backyard is big enough, and she's got an auto so it'll be like starting on easy. Lol. Totally illegal of course - she's only on her Ps. Although, if it's in the backyard, is it still illegal? Who knows.

Maybe you would've been something I'd be good at.

Ok, so I've got my hopes up. I promised myself I wouldn't. But here I am, fingers crossed, getting all excited and nervous. I met this guy online a few months ago and we're meeting in person on Tuesday. He seems perfect for me - intelligent, funny; he can spell and use grammar correctly and gets as annoyed about it as I do. He has a career. He also really seems into me. We're meeting for 45 minutes (his lunch break) at MacDonald's, because we both hate anything close to formal. So at least if it's awkward it's also short. I really want to click with this guy. To be honest, I really want to fall head over heels in love with this guy. God help me (says the atheist?).

If it doesn't work out, I'll just go back to wooing Bianca I guess. Though I might just marry my DS.

Bianca's going to stay out at Jimboomba for 6 weeks. It's ages away. I don't like this at all. Bah.

I don't belong here, we've gotta move on here.

I still wonder why Bianca and Jess love me. As far as I can tell, it's unconditional and real and honest. This doesn't click in my head - people don't love unconditionally. In my experience, that is a lie. Although I guess people can love others but not like them - right? Can you love someone but not want them around? Not care? I don't really know. I didn't think so but people are inexplicably confusing. Either way, I don't understand the fact that they love me, even though I love them too. Sometimes I really wish that my past was different so I could just trust in things. So I could just believe what people tell me and not question it.

I have a trojan on my computer. I'm about to run AVG. I hope it gets rid of it because I HATE formatting. Ugh ugh ugh. I tried to download a keygen for Office 2007. Epic fail, Tara.

I'm getting my hair cut today :) Just trimming the layers and recutting the fringe. Still trying to decide how I want that. Then I'll dye it, which is awesome because it's long overdue. Regrowth to the max, ick. The regrowth looks grey! Stupid pale brown natural colour. Then tonight, Bianca and I are going to Montezuma's for dinner :) I love that place, I've only been once. It's so good and they have the best mocktails ever. After that we're marathoning The Office season 5. Hell yes. Should be totally rad.

Insomnia

I cannot sleep. It's completely impossible. I'm thinking about way too much. Getting a car, getting a phone on a plan, ideas to make my workplace run better, what I want to buy tomorrow. Well, today, since it's 4am. It's freezing out here. I need a freaking laptop so I can do this in bed. I actually have shit all to blog about, considering the amount of shit going through my head. It's all boring though, so I won't tell you. Maybe I should go and read. I just don't know. There's no solution.

Anyway, since I just sat here for five minutes trying to think of something else to write, I think I'll just go.

UGH.

I'm back in that place where I don't know who I am or where I truly stand with anyone. I hate it so much. I wish I could just move away to some other country. Start again. Find people who don't know a thing about me. It's so dangerous opening yourself up to someone. Loving people kills you in the end. And eventually it turns out it's not worth it because they all leave. And then you're alone again.

I'm using 'and' at the start of sentences. That's terrible grammar. *smacks own hand*

I cleaned the kitchen floor today. "Big deal" you say? Oh yeah, it was actually, because our mop fell apart a few weeks ago so I cleaned the damn floor with a chux and shower power. It's all pretty and shiny now though :) Which is good, since I'm cooking tonight. I hate a dirty kitchen. Which ours generally is, unfortunately. I think starting a sentence with 'which' is also bad grammar. Dammit.

I love Emily. Just thought I'd throw that out there, since she's amazing and often says the same thing about me in her blogs haha.

You know what I don't get? Why someone I know seems to have a new date every second weekend and I can't find a single guy. It's supremely unfair. SHARE THEM, DAMN YOU. I mean, unless my friends are liars (which they may well be) and I'm actually an ugly, fat cow (as I've often considered), then it makes no sense that I can't meet anyone except dirty perverts who message me on MySpace. Ugh.

Just ugh to everything.

You never dreamed you'd have to live your life so guarded.

I had a dream last night in which I drank alcohol.
It was just beer, but I had a fair bit.
When I woke up, I felt really guilty.
I think that means I'll stick to my guns on this one.

I found out something about one of my high school friends yesterday.
It kind of blew my mind and changed my whole perspective.
I always thought she was really nice and just a little ditzy.
But it turns out she's actually a horrible person.
Who knew? Well, not me, clearly.
I wish I knew these things. Bah.

Well I don't have anything else to blog about today.
So that's all you get. :P

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I feel like shit. I have a minor case of the flu and it's knocking me around something cronic. It's making me incredibly miserable because I can't really do much. I can't really go out. I have trouble sitting up for long periods of time, including at my computer. It's best if I just lie in bed all day watching stuff or reading. It sounds great - for a few hours. Ugh. I had to cancel on plans this weekend to catch up with a close friend who I don't get to see much and to see my Dad and brother. I'm so upset about that I could scream. I want my energy back and I want to be able to breathe around people without feeling guilty. This sucks. Bianca wanted me to cover her shift tonight (she had this first and she had it for about a week before me and she still needs shift covers because of it - good omen :/) and I wanted to say yes but I think I would die in that place right now. And that is the very very last place I want to die. I can't breathe properly, I can't sleep properly, I can't taste properly and my head throbs constantly. FUCK THIS.

On an unrelated note, some happy, though old news. It's something that I've known in the back of my mind for months, but it really only just clicked on Thursday. When I think about Josh now, the things we did together or the things he said, I feel nothing. There's no pang anymore. No longing. It's like thinking about something a coworker said. It doesn't affect me at all. I thought about the fact that he called me a whore shortly after we broke up, and all I was worried about was how sexist that term is (hey hang on, how come its ok for men to sleep around - then they're studs, and we're whores? That ain't right). Then I started laughing. In the middle of the street. And people looked at me funny :/ Lol.

To all of you who love to read, you should check out the Sookie Stackhouse novels by Charlaine Harris. They're brilliant. Also, Stephenie Meyer ripped them off when she wrote the Twilight books and she did a crappy job of it. So far there are 9, I think, and she's still writing them :) I'm on the 4th now. Love them. Gosh.

Anyway, if someone could refer me to some magical pill that will cure me, please let me know.

Sunday night.

Strange and interesting and wonderful.
It kind of seems surreal.
I was told things by my amazing best friend that I'd been wanting to hear :)
And though she was drunk, I know she was telling the truth.
It was really fun until I started throwing up.
And continued all through the early morning.
Now my stomach, back, chest, throat and facial muscles all ache.
I also have a cold. So I keep sneezing and coughing.
Which hurts those muscles enough to bring tears to my eyes.
And laughing hurts. Yeah, my favourite thing in the whole world hurts me.
Fuck.
So I've quit drinking. And I know I've said this before.
But this time it's for real. That's it. I'm not doing it anymore.
I may have a beer here and there. It's the only alcohol I really like for its taste.
I'm not going to have a couple of cruisers or whatever.
Because they actually taste awful unless you're drunk.
I drink to get drunk and getting drunk always ends in me feeling HORRIBLE.
So I'm not doing it anymore. New...week resolution.
On an unrelated note, The Sims 3 is freaking awesome :)

I don't feel anything at all?

I realised today that the teen years were total bullshit. I called dozens of people my best friends at different intervals, I recall having 8 at one time once. Which sounds lovely but did they really mean anything? One hates me. Two are still my best friends. The others I barely talk to. One hates me though. What the fuck is that? Oh, we're best friends. Oh wait, shit, I just remembered, you suck. Nevermind, don't talk to me. Oh yeah, and she ditched me just after my first love did. THANKS BITCH. People are awful and I hate teenagers.

It's just so bizarre that I used to have so many friends, not talking myself up, I really did. I hung out with loads of people. Now I talk to a select few and basically see two. TWO! Plus one who's new. So a grand total of three friends I could really call close. I have another who I text everyday but never see, who means a lot to me. Oh oh, we've upgraded to four. Look out, here comes Miss Social Butterfly. I feel old.

I'm in a weird mood. I'm not sad, I'm not angry. I'm lonely but that's constant now. The song I'm listening to was just repeating "I don't feel anything at all." How coincidental. I am feeling something. I don't know what the fuck it is though. Nostalgia perhaps. I wish Bianca were here.

I'm also starting to think I'm in love with her. She'll read this and be like, oh shit. Lol. I know nothing can happen though so I think I've just accepted it. I don't even think really that I would want anything more. Who says you can't be in love without kissing and fucking and calling them your girlfriend? She means more to me than Josh ever did and I sure as hell fell in love with him. If you'd honestly do anything for someone and you could spend all your time with them happily, isn't that love? If they mean the world to you? If you'd kill yourself if you lost them? Yeah, pretty sure that's love. I wonder what will happen when I fall in love with someone else. My life makes no fucking sense at all. I still wish she was here. :/

This'll do for now.

I have been deprived. I've suffered and I've felt miserable for almost two weeks. I was lost. Why?










Lack of internet.

But now my love has returned to me, and life is once again on track.

Onto more realistic topics. FORWARD, I SAY!

Sims 3 comes out Thursday. To say I'm excited would be the understatement of the year. I play the Sims 2 all the time, it kind of consumes me. Jessica shares my passion :) We get upset when they die, for God's sake (why do I capitalize something I don't believe in?). And now they've EVOLVED! HURRAH! It's going to be incredible. I could go on rambling about it but you don't play it, do you? So you don't care/understand! I shall move on.

I caught up with an 'old flame' (lol I love that term) the other day. He came to visit me at work. He asked me something that really got me thinking (and depressed). It was very casual, because it wouldn't normally affect people this way. He said to me, while visiting me at my workplace, Video Ezy Woodridge, "So do you know what you're going to do after this?" My answer - "No." I didn't think much of it at the time (I was too busy worrying about the fact that he was clearly still infatuated with me and that it looked really bad that he was behind the counter and constantly touching me while I was supposed to be MANAGING the video store). But later I got really down about it. I'm working in a video store, in the crappiest suburb ever. I have no plans and I don't have a clue what I want from life, especially jobwise. I stewed about this for about a day, feeling miserable. But then I talked to Jessica and realised, hey, fuck it. I'm enjoying life (mostly, I'm still fucking miserably lonely) and I like my job (I just don't like the fact that I HAVE to go and I NEED it) and I like relaxing when I'm not at work, not having assignments or career pressure to worry about. I love that I'm not at uni, that was the best decision of my life. I love that I'm independent and I live with one of my best friends and my closest male friend (and another guy but meh). I love that my other best friend comes over all the time because she can, whenever she wants. I love that I have dinner at 5pm some days and 11pm others. I love that I sleep past 9 most days. I love that I find myself able to tell people how I feel in most situations. I love that my boss seems to realise that I'm a great employee (hence not firing me when I go off at him). I love watching my baby brother grow up - he's more like a little boy than a baby now. I love having the financial freedom to buy my Dad ACDC tickets. Even though I get really fucking depressed sometimes (about having no direction and about being lonely as all hell), I love my life. I love that I have three people I can go to with my problems and I know they'll care. THREE! That's amazing. Well four, but I don't go to Thomas about a lot of things simply because he's male. Sexist, I know. Fuck it, I'm racist too, suck on it.

Man I missed blogging. I think it's my favourite part of the internet. Well, besides Sims custom content :P

Dear customers.

Dear Customers,

I fucking hate every single one of you tonight. It's like it's fucking "whinge about every single fucking cent" night. FUCK OFF WITH YOUR FUCKING WHINGING AND STICK IT UP YOUR FAT BOGAN ASSES, I HATE YOU ALL.

5 cents? Shut the fuck up. No one fucking gives a shit about 5 cents accept YOU people. If you went out and got fucking jobs maybe you wouldn't care, but you're too fucking lazy for that aren't you? You just watch movies all FUCKING day.

And don't have a go at me because you were too busy sitting on your fat ass to bring your movies back on time. If you had just returned them on time you wouldn't have fucking fees. It's not my fault. It's also not my fault you can't read the TWO signs that say "After Hours Shute". Yeah, guess what - we don't empty that during the evening. Take the extra two fucking steps through the fucking doors and put it in the proper shute before I snap your fucking neck. I hate you. I hate you so fucking much you bunch of lazy cunts. I hope you all die.

Fuck you very much,
Tara,
Video Ezy Woodridge.

Success.

I walked to work anyway. I started walking to the bus stop and the fresh air got my respiratory system up and running again, so off I set. I made it - just. Then I was really tired all night. Lucky Bianca came in when I was on my own, since I felt really sick too. God I love her. However, the incompetent improved tonight, which was a big surprise. Haha saying however reminded me of my cousin Riley. He's 8, and has just discovered the word 'however', and somehow managed to put it at the start of 90% of his sentences on Sunday. So cute. Anyway, Incompetent used initiative, which left me in shock. Also he served customers and only asked me for help ONCE during my half hour break, because he couldn't understand the African man who wanted "World with the Apes". No clues for that one guys. I think it was more the accent Incompetent had trouble with. Satisfying, but long night overall. Pretty happy now. I'm going to have a long bubble bath and then watch a movie. Night all.

Screw you, Mr Cold. (Not the temperature though, it can stay forever.)

Yeah, trust my body to fuck me over.
One of the main points of my new regime has been put on hold.
I can barely breathe at all, and I can't breathe through my nose.
Thank you VERY much, cold. Shove it up your ass.
So, I'm going to work but there's no way I'd make that walk.
I'd collapse or something. Too bad there's a hill, otherwise I'd probably try it.
Gah gah gah. So irritated right now.
Back to the bus stop I go.
And I have to work with a total incompetent tonight.
On a cheap Tuesday night. In a video store. In Woodridge.
Option 1 - suicide. (Nah, it's not that bad)
Option 2 - murder the incompetent. (Jail is not appealing to me)
Option 3 - ...
There's no other options. :P
I guess I'll just grin and bear it. Eh.
At least I have tomorrow off. Yay, SLEEP IN. :)

The new outlook.

Seeing my family is a very exhausting experience for me, hence the 9:30pm sleeping last night. I think it's because I'm acting the entire time I'm there, unless one of my aunts manages to get me one-on-one, or I'm chatting to my cousin. The rest of the family has no idea who I am, and I'd like to keep it that way to be honest. They're not like me, and I don't think they would understand me, so it's easier this way. I sort of wish I had a different family, but realistically it's only my mother I'd like to swap.

Bianca and I have big plans, and I'm super happy about them because it's given me a goal. I'm now working towards something that matters to me, so I don't feel like my life is completely useless anymore. That was one of my biggest issues that was causing my depression - a lack of direction. Now, however, we're in serious saving mode. We plan to take a road trip around the country, and our goal is to leave by the end of 2010. We'll need a lot of money just for living expenses, but none for accommodation because we're going to buy a campervan. Bonus of that is that we can sell it afterwards and get a grand or so each back. I haven't been this excited about something in a long time. I'm really glad I'll get to do it with Bianca. She's the one person I could spend forever with and not want to kill myself.

I figured, with this extreme saving going on, I might as well lose some weight too. Walking to and from work saves bus money and not eating crap all the time saves money by not BUYING said crap. I started this today, so far I've walked to and from work and walked around the store all day, squatting as much as possible, and I've only had a yogurt and a little bit of leftover noodles. This is exciting me too, because I know it will work if I can keep it up. It's basically how I lost 30kg last time - walking and not eating crap. I don't have a weight goal though. I have a looks goal, which you probably all think is really awful but my BMI says I'm healthy. When I look in the mirror though, I don't see healthy. I see chubby. So I'll work on that. Maybe I could lessen the size of my boobs too - I hate them.

In a perfect world this wouldn't make me sick.

God, that lyrics is so incredibly relevant. It's from Perfect World by Billy Talent - such a good song. Anyway.

I don't know what happened. For a couple of months early this year, I was so happy. Everything seemed just the way I wanted it. But I lost it. The happiness is gone. Now I can clutch at it, but my fingers are slippery with misery. It keeps falling away from me. I don't know how to get it back. Well, I know falling in love would probably do it. But it's not something you just go out and do. I guess I just have to take steps.

I'm going to lose some more weight and stop gaining it. I'm going to cut down on the shit that I eat, and the frequency too. Maybe I'll go to the gym. I'm going to go out more and dance, all night. It's a brilliant workout *nudge*Bianca*nudge*. I'm also going to cut down my spending. My money has a habit of disappearing but I plan to stop that.

I think what's really got me down right now is dredged up memories caused by not-exactly-good news. I considered not naming names but anyone who bothers to read this will know who I'm talking about anyway, and there's a 99% chance he won't read it and she sure as hell won't. Josh told me on Monday, when I was already pretty down, that he and Rebecca were finally getting together. Back story = he's liked her forever, since before we dated, and it always made me very nervous because they were also best friends. I think it would bug me less if a) there wasn't that back story and she was just some girl, and b) she didn't hate me for no apparent reason. I don't quite know what I feel about it. I'm not jealous, because I don't want Josh back. I think it's just salt in a very old wound. It hurts. My stomach churns when I think about it. I wish I didn't have to think about it. I wish I could cut him out of my life - I wish I could have done that back in August. But he's always going to be there and as much as I wish he wasn't, I'm also really glad he is. It's twisted and stupid but I really care about him and I'm glad he's my friend. I wonder if it would be better never to have loved.

Don't believe their headlines.

You know when you're alone, for a long time, and every now and then it hits you? And you get really depressed about it and know you're going to keep being alone forever and just want to die? Yeah, that's me right now.

I had a dream last night about sex. But not just sex, LOVE. I was in love, and I knew he loved me and that's why we were having sex. And I woke up in my own bed, alone. And I wanted to die. I'm so sick of being alone. I'm so FUCKING lonely. I wish I wasn't. I wish I didn't need love. But I fucking do. And until I find it again, I don't think I'll really be happy.

She puts the weights into my little heart.

Walking home through the back streets seems so much quicker than taking the main roads. Maybe it's the peace and quiet. Maybe it's the lack of cars speeding by at a million times my pace. Maybe it's just the fact that it's nicer to look at houses than look at cars. Actually it's probably the lesser amount of pollution clogging my lungs.

One of my favourite things in the world is to come home after a day at work, change into my PJs and flop on my bed. I usually get up within a few minutes but it's just so nice to lie there and reflect for a minute. Not move, not have anything required of me. I can just lie there and BE. It's a shame I have to go to work in the first place for this to happen, lol.

I'm going to see my cousin's show on Friday, with Bianca. I'm really excited. It's a Bowie thing, so that will be awesome. Plus I've never heard her sing by herself, only in a choir, and even that was years ago. I'm 99% sure she has a solo part, and I can't wait to hear it :) I'm so proud of her. Best cousin ever.

BIANCA'S NEARLY 18. YEW! I'm so excited. Soon we can have anal sex, and my life long goal will be fulfilled. Seriously though, we can go out to pubs and pick up sexy men. Mmm. Her pay will go up. Which means we can go out more. Also, I can give her her present. Which I'm really excited about. Even though she hates the whole idea and the fact that it isn't cheap. Lol. YAY FOR SATURDAY.

Hey Bianca, did you know Placebo mentions your birthday in The Bitter End?
We're running out of alibi's
On the second of May
Reminds me of the summer time
On this winter day.

Mmm Thomas just brought me some croissants. Ah I love it here :)

Final note - congratulations to Jazzy on getting YSA social coordinator!

There is nothing you can do that I have not already done to myself.

I'm ok. I considered deleting the last two blogs, but I can't delete what happened or how I feel so what's the point in hiding it from people? I decided to cut someone from my life today. They weren't worth the bother really, and they were too immature for my liking anyway. I feel a sense of freedom now. I think I was holding on to the idea of liking someone who wasn't all that likable.

I'm really thankful that I have Bianca and Emily at the moment. I thought I was going to lose Bianca last night, and the thought literally destroyed any hope I had for my life. I honestly didn't want to keep living without her as my friend. I guess she's become everything to me. Through this, Emily was there. She told me it would be ok, and she was right. I think I would have done something stupid without her texting me, consoling me and reassuring me. Thank you Emily.

I guess I'm just going through a tough patch at the moment. It feels a bit like everything's falling apart, but I guess it's not. It didn't help today that my Dad got sacked. The business is closing because of the recession. He's staying surprisingly positive about the opportunities this will bring, but the whole situation worries me. If we don't need commercial removalists, we're not going to need video stores. I do not want to lose my job. The recession scares me. I wish Rudd would hurry up and give me some money - that'd cheer me up a bit.

Here's a little interesting side story for you. Today at work I was sexual harrassed. Not even subtly. This islander guy came in at 9:20am. I was working alone. He started chatting to me. His school shirt was draped over his massive shoulder. I wasn't frightened, but I'm pretty sure he wanted me to be. It was all fine to start with, talking about how he had a spare and was 18 because he'd had to repeat, and what it was like to work at Video Ezy. Then he started asking really personal questions. Like whether I'd had sex/given head. Whether I wore g-strings. What it was like to "have a dick through me." And more. I told him you can't just ask girls things like that, it's inappropriate. Then he asked if I'd go out with him. I laughed at him. He then told me I had a really nice ass and asked if he could squeeze it. I told him to leave. He said he was joking around, and what size are my boobs? I told him I was about to hit the emergency button (for the police). Finally, he left. It was awful. I felt physically ill afterwards, I had to go sit down. People are disgusting. How can anyone think that that behaviour is ok? I don't understand the human race at all. Oh he also asked if he could go out the back and have a wank. Charming.

Be thankful if you don't work in Woodridge people. Really, really thankful.

P.S. Emily and Bianca, I fucking love you guys. <-- first time I've sworn all blog. *proud face*

I'm crying again and it's pathetic.

I'm so angry.
Why would you BLOG to someone?
It's PUBLIC.
You don't blog to someone.
Sure, blog, have a bitch.
Don't write the whole thing saying "you this, you that".
That's crap. People are crap.

And now, there's assuming.
And maybe a rift.
And maybe I'm losing someone I'm living for.
Because I had a whinge.
And even though I always listen.
It seems too much for other people to do.

WHY DO I FUCKING BOTHER?

I think I'll just crawl into a hole and die.
Yay, fresh depression.

The Small Things

It really is the small things.
Maybe it's my small mind.
But somehow I've been cheered up.
Not to the point of being happy.
But I'm not upset anymore.

It was a combination of three things that did it.
Three things that shouldn't.
Especially one of them.

New music that I love.
Cold, freshly opened coke.
Finding out that a fairly attractive guy wants to get in my pants.

Ah, I am pathetic. But at least I'm not miserable.

What's the point then?

Today was pretty bad. I feel terrible both physically and emotionally now.
I'm sick - my nose is running, my throat burns, my head throbs,
my back aches and my neck keeps cramping up.

My iPod jack, where the earphones plug in, officially died today.
So I can't listen to my iPod anymore except through my 360.
Then, to top that off, my computer speakers died.
So the ONLY way I can listen to music is through my 360.

Now I have 2 things I have to replace.
With money.
That I don't have.

I need to work so I can get money.
Because right now I'm in dire need of it.
But I'm sick and work makes me want to die.

I was abused tonight because a man in Victoria was receiving texts.
His number had been given falsely on someone's account.
And they had overdue movies.
Apparently it was me personally who sent the texts.
And he was going to call the police on me for it.
Then he was going to call them because I wouldn't give him the name
of the guy who used his number.
I eventually yelled at him through the phone that
NO ONE IS OUT TO GET YOU.

On top of all that, Bianca's puppy is missing.
He could be anywhere, with anyone, in any state.
In Woodridge. I want him to be ok and back at her house.
I'm scared. I hate being scared.

Also, I realised tonight that I'll never fall in love again.
I'm too scared of everyone. I won't let anyone get close to me.
I can't trust people.
I can't even trust myself.

I am not a jellyfish.

I'm so very tired. It's insane how tired I am. Bianca's bed kills me, as do her noisy noisy noisy need-to-be-disowned siblings. Lucky I love her so much or I'd totally ditch her :P I was in a SHIT mood all day at work, it got worse on the way home and then I walked in and lay on my bed and couldn't help but smile. Like, I literally couldn't stop it from appearing on my face. My bed was so comfortable in that moment that I felt that I could stay there forever. I very nearly did. So I chucked on a movie and lay there for a good couple of hours. So great.

If you like horror movies, you have got to watch Quarantine. It scared the absolute shit out of me. I jumped so many times, nearly screamed even. I was nearly in tears at one point. Then as soon as it finished I jumped up and turned the light on, but I was still freaked so I had to go sit in Jess's room for a while. Then I had to get her to walk back with me so I could turn the light on in the little room before my bedroom because it was dark. I'm so pathetic hahaha. It was great though.

I'm getting my hair cut and dying it tomorrow. I really love doing that. Makes me feel all new and groovy-like. Bianca's getting her's cut too. CHOP IT OFF. There's so much hahaha. And we're seeing Fast and Furious. YAYAYAYAYAY. Excited, yup yup.

Anyway I'm gonna go get me some ice cream (with Ice Magic of course) and watch some pretty anime :) The perfect end to a lovely night at home.

Love ya's all!

Extra extra, read all about it.

I love my job. Even though sometimes I say I hate it, sometimes I really would rather do many painful things to myself than go, even though I want to murder 90% of our customers in their sleep along with my fuckwit of a boss; I love it. It just fits for me. It works. Work works. Lol.

You know, I miss the way people used to be. People I know, I mean. Not people in general, they've always been a bit crap. Maybe, though...maybe what I'm missing is how I viewed people when I was different. When I was younger, less mature. Sometimes I feel like some people are below me, and then I feel really guilty. But I know I'm more mature than a lot of the people I know. And I hate that. I can't wait for people to grow up. I'm so old. I just wish some people didn't throw tantrums over shitall and others didn't use stupid phrases and that others could spell and use grammar and MANNERS. What happened to manners anyway? They've left us. I guess I just feel a little separate from my friends, except for a couple of them. Which is a bit crap.

Bianca mentioned this in her blog already, but I too am going to discuss it. Easter is dead for me, because I am old. I don't want to eat mass amounts of chocolate because my body will beat me up for it. There will be vomiting, I promise. I can't anymore. And it doesn't appeal to me anyway. I don't care, it's not exciting, and I don't eat breakfast, especially if it involves easter eggs. I'm glad it's over.

Mindless Self Indulgence were in-freaking-credible live. Absolutely riveting and so energetic. Jimmy, the lead singer, was everywhere at once, all over the stage and down with the crowd, pulling random audience members up there to sing or to be his horse, haha. The drummer Kitty was really getting into it and the guitarist Steve was just slightly crazy and often lying on the floor of the stage while playing. He even smashed a guitar. What a mad guy. It was just awesome being there, feeling the energy. I love concerts. I wish more good ones were coming up but no. Just old bands or the type I don't like - screamo and hardcore. Yuck, pass. Goddammit. Anyway, MSI are my favourite band now. Sorry LP, you've been shafted. You know, I'm not even sure that's the right word, but I figure you'll all get the idea. I need to go to Rocking Horse so I can get all their albums and some other random crap. POSTERS, I NEED POSTERS.

I am single, single single single. Ask me out. Sick of it. Lol. It's so lonesome being unloved. Hahaha. Ah the patheticness...patheticity? Pathetic? What the fuck is the noun for that?

I think I'm gonna go shower. GAH my chest hurts again. DEATH TO YOU, HEART!

Forget it.

And I'm moving on. Again. He's not going to become interested in me. A blog he wrote confirmed it. So I'm on the hunt again. Not sure why I bother really. Guess I'll just be lonely forever.

Rhapsody On A Windy Night

Bianca and I were car-stalked last night. I was worried, but excited. It was a lone male in a car. We were in the Macca's drive thru, and we'd stopped at the normal payment window, but no one was there. He was in front of us, and motioned for us to move forward, that it was all at the front window. Then he motioned for us to call him. It was all very amusing, and he was young and not unattractive. Then as we drove off after chatting to my friend who was working at the time, he began to follow us. He had waited in the carpark for us to leave. We thought it was hilarious, but started freaking out a little when he took the same route through the Video Ezy carpark, then a u-turn and turned left onto Kingston Rd. He pulled up beside my side, so at the last minute we turned right, and he missed the turn. He waved goodbye though, smiling. As we drove away from him, I felt disappointed. What if we'd just missed an opportunity for something exciting, amazing, life-changing? What if he was one of our soul mates? What if he was just a really nice guy? I feel like I'm too cautious sometimes, though I'm sure most of the people who know me would say the opposite. I feel like I'm missing out on what life has to offer. I need to DO everything. We were driving again today, home from Garbo. It was pissing down rain. I had my window down a little. A truck drove past and all this water splashed into my window. It was HILARIOUS. We nearly crashed because Bianca was laughing so hard. I guess it doesn't seem funny to you. You weren't there. I think I might go read now. My back super duper hurts again. Woohoo.

Alone, so late.

If I told you right now that I was naked, would that make you uncomfortable? I'm not. I was just before though. Why does that make people so incredibly uncomfortable? You can't see me. I don't see how it's affecting you. If you're now picturing it that's your own fault. I take none of the blame for that.

My stomach hurts. I'm alone. I should be asleep.
I miss Emily. I haven't seen her in too long, but I still feel that we're really close. That I can almost trust her. That, my friends, is huge.
I miss Jasmine. Come over, Jasmine. You're never online, this upsets me.
I miss Karli. She is online, a lot. I still miss her.
I miss Hailey. You'd think I'd have had my fill of Hailey.
I miss Jessica. She's in the same damn house, and I miss her.
I miss Bianca. Whenever she's not here. Which is too often. She should be here. Her sister's not here.
I miss Ben. All the time, no matter what.
I miss Alex. She's growing up too fast and I feel like I'm missing it. Also, her eyes are pretty, even though they're not blue.
I miss Dejan. I wish I could go to Supanova.

I guess I kinda miss you all.

Empty

Something.
Can't say the truth.
Everything.

Consumed.
Eating away at her insides.
Aching.

Love.
There's nothing, no guarantees.
Unloved.

Need.
Don't. Please don't go.
Alone.

Something.
Gave her everything.
Confused.

Empty.
Sorry, only;
Empty.

I'm losing track.

Run baby run;
Forever we'll be;
You and me.

I'm really lonely at the moment. I texted someone and they're not replying. I MSN'd another and got no response. I know it's not the case, but I feel like everyone's blocking me out. Things like this always seem to happen when I'm already down.

I'm so bored with life. I need something new. I know exactly what I want, but I can't have it. At least not right now. So I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to do now. What do you do when nothing you can have is good enough anymore?

Lately, I just feel like sleeping all day. Nothing is taking my interest. Everything is boring. But when I sleep, I dream. And dreams are interesting. The things I wish would happen in real life do happen in my dreams. So why can't I sleep all the time, and dream all the time? Why do I have to face this boring reality?

Maybe there's nothing out there for me.

Ah the revelations.

So I had a busy night as far as people are concerned.
Didn't read Karli's blog till now. So I feel REALLY bad that I didn't ask how she'd BEEN. Rather than how she was. Grr. I'm sorry Karli :(

I did something really brave tonight. Most people never work up the guts to do this. I told someone who I was 99% sure wouldn't be interested in me that I have a crush on them. I nearly threw up about 50 times during the conversation, and I didn't quite get the result I was hoping for, but I feel very accomplished now. Haha, suck on that, lack-of-self-confidence. Bitch. I didn't get the result I expected either though, which is DEFINITELY a good thing. :) Shall see how that little smidgen turns out. Either way I know they'll still be a friend :)

I also found out that my last escapade is actually a horrible, horrible person. He lied to me right from the start, admitted that he uses MySpace to find 18 year old girls to sleep with (he's 24) and tried to make me jealous by telling me that only one girl ever knew the real him, she died a couple of weeks ago, and after we met he went on a date with her and slept with her. Way to respect the dead, you piece of worthless shit. I am so glad I rejected him. Haha. I'm actually in shock, I never thought I'd meet someone so heartless. Like, she just died dude. You didn't care about her at all, obviously. Holy crap.

Feeling a little unfulfilled tonight, but happy nonetheless. Just realised crush is such an immature phrase. Lol. But I do feel like a 13 year old, so I suppose it's quite fitting. I suppose I ought to go to bed now.

Night my dear followers.
xoxo.

You don't like it, so don't buy it.

I'm finally out of debt! I meant to blog about it when it happened on Tuesday, but I totally forgot because I became not happy - and forgot. Lol. I've been in debt since November, and I never ever want to be again. It was horrible. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders (and my paycheck). THANK GOD. Now I can get some things I've been wanting too.

I swept the entire house, vaccuumed the carpeted parts & my bathroom/toilet, cleaned two toilets & a bathtub & two basins today. My back is SCREAMING at me. Shut up, bitch. Harden the fuck up. Ugh ugh ugh. But I like how clean the house is :)

I washed my sheets twice today. Do you know how annoying it is to strip a bed that you made an hour ago? And know that you will have to make it again? The same FUCKING day? VERY. I spilled coke on it/my desk/my keyboard/the carpet. I was trying to turn around so I could close my windows (stupid little foreign children were playing outside, at night, in WOODRIDGE. Good work, parents) and I kicked the glass over. I WAS SO ANGRY. Anyway - now I have no sheets. Grr.

You know what else is annoying? The Sims crashing over and over and over until you figure out what's causing it - A FUCKING OUTFIT. God, are you kidding me? Stupid game *secretly loves it still*.

I am going. Lol. Because I've run out of things to talk about today.
Word to your mother.
TC.

P.S. Can someone please tell me why there are always people walking down my street, loudly, even at 3am?

If you only run for cover, it's just a waste of time.

I just want everyone to know that my last blog was not in any way a cry for attention. I'm totally secure now, and I know that I have people there for me. I just needed to get it all off my chest. What surprised me most was how much it helped to do that. Now I feel like, if I need to talk about it with someone I can, because now people KNOW. Now I won't have to tell the whole damn depressing story first.

I'm so fucking tired. Last night = 4hours sleep. Night before = 10hours sleep. Before that = 3hours sleep. My body is getting very, very frustrated with me, and is abusing me. Lol. I think I'll go to bed shortly. Might do a MySpace bulletin first.

Anyway, I have nothing to talk about tonight. That's always the way - I think of things when I can't blog, then by the time I can I've forgotten or I can't be bothered or I just don't care anymore.

To all my fellow Twilighters, I finished the series night before last. I hate the ending. I hate the whole last book. Ugh ugh ugh. Wish to discuss with me? Mail me, so we don't upset those who haven't read it yet :)

G'night friends.
TC. xoxo.

There is nothing you can do that I have not already done to myself.

I used to cry a lot. Nearly every single day I would cry. Sometimes I was actually upset. I was always, always sad, and sometimes it was enough to make me cry. Most times, I wanted my dad to notice. I would cry loudly in my room. I would walk out to the kitchen to get a drink with tears on my face. I'd come out and say I was going for a walk, but I'd make sure my eyes were bloodshot and my face splotchy first. I needed him to know that I was sad. I needed him to know that I was sad because of him. I loved him so much, more than I have ever loved anyone ever. He was so important to me, and he didn't understand. I chose HIM. Over my mother, the woman who gave birth to me. I chose him. And yet, when he had to choose, he did not choose me. He did not choose his daughter. He chose a woman. A woman he met, slept with that night, asked her to move in the next morning and proposed to within a couple of months. When he asked me if I was ok with her moving in, I said yes. I said yes to make him happy. I didn't want some strange woman living in my house. But I thought if it made him happy, it would make me happy. It didn't. He no longer spent the time with me that he used to. I used to be all he had. He gave me his all. I gave mine back. When he was depressed after leaving the 20-something year relationship with my mother, I was his rock, his shoulder to cry on. And he gave me what? Fun. Attention. Love. Until she came and took it all. Then he had little for me. He just couldn't see that I had given him EVERYTHING. And all of a sudden, he didn't need me anymore.

Of course, as a 15/16 year old, I couldn't cope. So I did the stupid teenage thing and tried to sabotage their relationship. At the start it was a conscious thing. I knew what I was doing. Then we had our first of many long family talks, and I promised I would stop. And consciously, I was no longer trying to sabotage it. But my subconscious mind was working away, and I was behaving accordingly. The first time he kicked me out, I had a panic attack. I was walking down the hallway, after calling him an asshole to his face and storming off, and he said "Pack your shit." I stopped, and fell into the wall. I couldn't breathe, and my brain was trying to process the simple fact that the most important person in my world did not want me around. I started to hyperventilate, and SHE came to help. I think she was saying comforting things, but I can't remember, I didn't want to listen to her. Once I could move again, I ran to the kitchen and grabbed the sharpest knife I could see in the block. As I started to press it to my wrist, SHE tackled me and SHE knocked it out of my hand. SHE saved my life. My father did nothing. He watched. Somehow she came in, ruined my life, and then when I tried to end the shit I had left, she stopped me. I don't know if she actually cared, or if it was an automatic reaction, or if it was about my father's happiness. Either way, she stopped me from being dead.

After that there was about a week (maybe longer, my recollection of this time is hazy) when I was still living there, waiting for my mother to be ready for me to move in with her. I spent my time in my room, crying mostly. Often I would just sit doing nothing at all. I thought about suicide a lot. I didn't speak to her at all. Dad tried to act normal, he would take me out to get milkshakes or other pointless things. I have never been that uncomfortable in my own house, although I suppose it wasn't my house anymore.

The day I was supposed to move in with my mother, she pulled out. She said that she was happy living alone. She rejected me. Now neither of my parents wanted me. I was filled with such self-loathing that I honestly did not see any point in my existence. All I was doing, obviously, was being a thorn in my parents' sides. Dad decided I could stay with him. How generous, as I had nowhere else to go. From here on, and probably before this also, I was depressed.

A few months later I was kicked out again. I don't remember what happened. I remember Dad dropping me at my best friend Jen's house. I stayed there for the night, I guess Dad was trying to find me somewhere to go. We watched Shark Tale, and every now and then I would start crying again. I still wished I was dead. Dad picked me up in the morning and said, again, I could come back. Apparently my mother had tried to send me to live with Dad's brother, who Dad no longer spoke to. He also told me that Harry, HER other son, had sat on his bed with something of mine (I've forgotten what) and cried while I was gone. When I came back he told me he loved me. I love him too. I continued to be depressed.

For a while, things were ok. I hated myself, but things weren't as bad. We constantly fought, but I had somewhere to live and Dad promised not to kick me out again. We moved house, hoping for a fresh start or something, and that night Josh (her son) and I got together. At this point, that was still the best night of my life, as I had been hoping for that for about 2 years. I fell in love with him, and things seemed better. He also saved my life at one point, like his mother. It was strange that I could love him so much, while I absolutely hated his mother. This put a huge strain on our relationship. We fought about it a lot. I was, and am still certain, that his mother spent our relationship trying to break us up, whether as an act of revenge or simply because she hated me I'm not sure. I am sure she wanted him to be with Rebecca, another source of strain on our relationship. Another story entirely.

After Josh and I went to the Ekka in 2007, we went back to my house (he lived with his grandparents, which is why it was not weird for us being together). When we got home, as we knew was going to happen (long story) we all had a huge fight. It was so bad that Josh, his mother and I were crying, and Dad was on the verge. There was screaming and swearing and I don't even remember the gist of it, besides me being a burden on the entire world. It ended in me pushing Josh away as he tried to comfort me. I told him I would only hurt him and he should leave. He was given the option to leave - to be driven home. But he stayed. He stayed for me. And on some level, I will always love him for that. That night, for the second time, he saved my life. If he had gone home that night, I would be dead now. But after about an hour, he came back into my room and lay beside me and held me. He told me he loved me. I have never felt that kind of gratitude to someone again or before.

In March 08, three days before my birthday, I was kicked out again. Technically Dad didn't break his promise - she kicked me out. But he did nothing. I knew if I fought again, I could stay. But I'd had enough. I needed to get out. And I had somewhere I thought I could go, so I acted. I called Hailey straight away, crying, barely able to breathe. She asked her mum, who I'm sure thought it would be a short term thing, and they promised to pick me up in the morning. Dad and her said that I could have a few days to find somewhere permanent but I refused. I hated them so much that night, the idea of even being there for the night was making me feel sick. Then I called Josh. There was nothing he could say, and I don't blame him for being unhelpful. He tried. He told me again that he loved me and that everything would be ok. I called him about five times that night, just to hear the voice of someone who wanted me. In between calls I sat on my bed, staring at my stuff, or I packed.

When I left in the morning, I didn't say goodbye. Dad did, but I didn't. He said I love you, and I walked away. In that moment, I didn't love him at all. I was still depressed at Hailey's for a month or so. Her mother, Sam; my mother; said I could stay till I finished school. She pretty much adopted me. I was treated as part of the family, one of the kids. I will always see her and Doug as parents to me and will never be able to thank them enough for that.

I love my Dad now - I forced myself to at first, so I could see my baby brother, but now I really do. I don't hate her, but I don't like her either. I resent them both, and I resent my mother, for abandoning me. I have a deep fear of abandonment now, which makes me too clingy and needy, and this was a big factor in my relationship with Josh failing. I resent them for that as well. As much as the whole thing absolutely fucked my head, if it hadn't happened I wouldn't have what I have now. I wouldn't have this new family, my friends. I wouldn't be happy. And I wouldn't have this pride in myself. Pride for pushing through. For not killing myself. For graduating, keeping jobs, getting promoted. I did it alone. My parents did nothing. I raised my damn self. Really there's a lot more to this story, but I don't need to tell it now. I don't need to get anything more off my chest. I've stopped crying.

So that's the trick to it.

So I figured out why I'm unhappy.
Everyone around me is achieving something.

Going to uni.
Starting a career.
Writing a book.

What am I doing? Working in a video store.
I'm doing nothing. And yes, I do realise that's ok.
That's the point of a gap year.
But I feel completely useless.
Gah. At the same time, I don't want to do anything.
I'm enjoying the nothing way too much.
This all makes no sense.
STUPID STUPID BRAIN!

Also, still really lonely. And therefore pathetic.
UGH UGH UGH. At myself. Bleh.

The Morning After.

I knew I'd be ok in the morning. That's how it always works :S I'm still not great but I am much better. I feel very disoriented today though. Four major reasons:

1. Last night, that kind of thing fucks with my head. I guess that's the point though.
2. I don't remember falling asleep. I always feel weird after that.
3. I slept till midday. Again, always makes me out of it.
4. I had a dream that I was in a very strong relationship with one of my closest friends. Waking up and realising I was still alone was a bit harsh.

I guess, although I'm totally screwed in the head right now, I am happy. I also figured out what was wrong. It's two things. The major one is that my parents are crap. My mother doesn't give a shit about me, and Dad only does if it doesn't affect his partner, whose name he is getting tattooed on his chest. Ugh. You're going to break up Dad, she treats you like dirt. The second reason is my back pain. But that was just a side thing.

Anyway, I'm off to distract myself.
TC.

It's all just rambling. Reader beware.

I'm in a lot of pain right now. I've felt so good for so long, it's like my body decided enough was enough. I can't possibly be healthy for long. So now my back is killing me, which makes me cry and makes my hands shake. I feel like I'm disabled or something, I can't pick things up without a 90% chance I'll drop them. I'm having trouble typing, I have to backspace at least twice every sentence. My head is pounding, which is caused by my back hurting and the hole in my tooth that's killing me because I ate sugary food. I don't want to go to the dentist though, I hate the dentist and how they try to have a conversation with you when their hands are rammed into your mouth. I can't talk when they're in there, moron. Maybe this hole will make me stop eating crap. That would be good, I'm gaining weight again. Want to know why? Because I'm fucking alone. I'm alone. Yeah ok great I have friends. Not gonna fill that one empty spot in my heart sorry. And even if I fell in love with one of them, as if they'd date me. They know me, they'd have to be crazy to want to date me. Because I'm crazy. I'm fucking crazy. I haven't felt like this for a couple of months. I was going so well. What happened? I don't understand. I don't understand why I can't just be fucking HAPPY. For a long period of time. Why does that have to end? It doesn't make any sense to me. The world doesn't make any sense to me. And I feel sick. I feel really sick. But I think it's psychosomatic. I think it's because I'm crazy. What's wrong with me? I bet I'll be fine in the morning. Or maybe in 5 minutes. Maybe I just need someone to need me. I think that's what I need. I want to be someone's world again. I can't believe how much I'm rambling. This is stupid. People have bigger problems than me, I should just shut up, right? Well fuck it.

This isn't actually about anything in particular.

Just to ease people's minds, I have calmed down and now realise that maybe there are two or three guys per country who actually do have a brain AND a penis. Amazing, I know. And I do want one, please.

I don't understand why when someone posts a blog that was obviously written in a state of extreme anger, some people have to take it personally. Are people really that self-absorbed? Do they think, oh this person must be attacking me personally here. It doesn't make any sense for you to assume that. Goodness.

You know what else I don't understand? Why males who are always at LEAST 24, if not ten years older, keep adding me on MySpace with some comment like, "You're cute, wanna chat sometime?". No, no I do not want to chat to you, you dirty pervert. I had some like, Arab guy add me. He goes "Hey I looked at your profile and the first word that came to my mouth was gorgeous. Want to be friends?" I mean, not only is that the worst pick up line I've ever heard, we don't even live in the same country. You don't want friendship, obviously, and you physically cannot get in my pants. Why are you adding me? I just don't know.

Ok so I'm 19 now, right? That's old. I feel very old. Most of my friends are still 17. I'm so old. Old old old. Anyway, I actually feel different. This is the first birthday where I've gone, holy crap I'm a year older, I'm different now. I don't actually believe it was the birthday, don't worry. But lately I have been changing, growing. I've noticed differences between me and some of my younger friends. I also noticed last night how sometimes I still act very much like a teenager. Yet this is only when I'm around other teenagers. At home, with my adult friends, I'm an adult. I'm responsible, I have wit and I can cook. It's really odd. Please don't take offence to this if you're one of my teenage friends, it honestly is not a bad thing to act like a teenager. I'm glad I have you guys to bring that out in me. And now I sound really patronising, when I'm really only a year older than you. I'm sorry. Ugh. The point is, I feel I'm more diverse now. That's the point. Why didn't I just say that? God.

I really love my friends. Last night I had the best time, and all we did was take stupid photos and listen to dumb songs. So to Bianca, Karli and Hailey, thank you for an awesome birthday celebration :) And to all my friends, thank you for not hating someone as insane and tactless and ridiculous as me. I appreciate that.

Penis or brain?

That's the decision every fetus seems to have to make.
Are all males really complete morons? They act like it. But is it just that? An act? I don't get it. Why do they have absolutely no understanding of emotions and tact and what the right thing to say is? Why are they so stupid? If you're a male reading this, please, please explain it to me.
I should just be a lesbian. Too bad I really like sex. A lot. With males. Who are stupid. GOD. It's like that's actually all they're good for. And lifting heavy things.
Ok now I'm generalising. Dejan and Tim are male, AND they're not morons. But I don't think they can lift heavy things :P
Where do I find someone who is smart, emotionally understanding, tactful and capable of someday impregnating me? WHERE???

Also, why does my boss make me do his job for him? UPDATE YOUR OWN COMPUTER! God.

Who thinks a group Southbanking is in order? I do. I miss my friends. I'll organise that. Mhm. Open invite. Except if someone invites Cinnamon or Juanita or someone like that, I'll actually kill them. No really.

It doesn't feel like it's nearly my birthday at all :(