Next year

I'm still really liking my new job. One of the girls quit today too, which sucks because she's really nice but is good because I'll be getting more hours. I'm hating uni right now though. I just have zero motivation for it because I don't even know if it's what I want to do anymore. So I've 99% decided not to study next year and just work heaps. I've gotta check with my bosses that they can guarantee me 15 hours a week till March and then 10 hours a week to cover expenses, but if they can I think I'll do that. I don't see why they couldn't - that's not exactly a lot of hours. Plus they're super nice and accommodating and helpful. Fingers crossed. I just need to force myself to finish this semester, which I really don't feel like doing. But if I drop out now I'll get a failing grade. Screw that.

Farewell Unemployment and Poverty!

I have been welcomed back into the world of employment at long last. I started at Howard's Storage World on Tuesday and I'm really enjoying it. The bosses (a married couple with three adult children who all work in the store) are super nice and helpful, giving me lifts to staff meetings and company conferences. The job is interesting, which probably seems surprising since it's a storage shop but I love homewares. The customers are so refreshingly non-bogan I could squeal with delight. As are the staff, who are really friendly and helpful. I'm also not the only newbie, and the other is a 50 year old woman who's never worked in retail before and therefore makes me look like the fastest learner on the planet. She's very nice too.

The awesome part of this job is that it's given me enough funds to get my own internet connection. I just applied for the new TPG 500GB ADSL2+ with home phone line rental. $60 a month for that is just an incredible deal, and I need a home phone line because naked ADSL deals are just nowhere near as good. I think it was $50 a month for 30GB, or maybe 60GB. So crap in comparison. Works out to $15 a week, which is less than an hour's work. Pretty sure I can handle that. It means that between my rent, internet and mobile bills I'll have $603 to pay a month. If my hours continue the way they are, I'll be getting paid $1260 a month, plus whatever I get from Centrelink after I report that income. I might just cover it, haha. Plus groceries of course, but with my amazing budget shopping skills, developed and honed during my three months of unemployed brokeness, I can shop for the fortnight for $80. I'm kinda nervous about how the initial setup fee is going to hit me, because it's going to cost $160 all up including the first month and the $20 home phone deposit, but hopefully that won't come out for at least 10 days. That's what they said anyway - 10 to 20 days to process the application. Then I'll be free of my parents' terrible Optus connection and download limit and be completely independent from them again, despite living in their backyard. Yay! I just need to try to resist the temptation to spend all my money next week. Should be ok, I'm pretty used to not spending money now haha.

I don't think I have anything else to really say tonight. I really want to go to bed and watch Heroes, so I think I'll leave it there. Later folks.

These Days Turned Out Nothing Like I Had Planned

About six years ago, I realised I liked girls too.

Now I'm starting to think they're the only ones I like.

Fear and Truth

I walked past this girl today. She was a twig. Probably weighed about 45kgs, and was a bit taller than me. She was walking, like exercise walking like me. Had the iPod, sneakers and everything. It scared me. What if she started off like me? I'm being really good about my weight loss, not being ridiculous. I have three meals a day and I do moderate exercise. But I know I could slip. I've slipped before. Last year I faked an illness to avoid eating. Jess picked it easily. I have to be so careful. I have my little checklist so that I have to eat every meal and stuff. And that's working perfectly now. I just have to make sure I don't lose the plot.

I think I've made a realization about myself. I'm not sure if it's right, because I'm still figuring out who I am. But you know how so many girls now are 'bi-curious', meaning they're straight but they like to mess around with girls for fun? I think I'm the opposite. I don't think I actually like men at all, I think I just like sex with men. I only check out girls. I'm more attracted to them. I connect with them more easily. They don't make me uncomfortable the way men do. And I don't push them away. I always push men away. I didn't go out with that guy. Maybe I really was worried about the kid and the age, or maybe I was worried about his gender. I don't really know. If some amazing guy walked into my life I wouldn't turn him away with a 'Sorry, I'm a lesbian'. Because I don't think I am. But I think I prefer women. By a mile. Like, 9:1 ratio. Sort of ruins my big life plan, but there's nothing I can do about that, is there?

Multiple Thoughts

Now that I'm being really strict on myself, I'm really not finding dieting hard at all. Not that it's exactly dieting. I'm just not snacking and my dinner consists more of vegetables than meat/carbs. It's the exercise part I struggle with. At the moment, I'm just walking for an hour a day. It sounds so easy, but because I push myself to walk quickly it hurts and it's hard. I dread it every day, and spend the entire walk wishing it would end. I really hope that once I get a job and join a gym and can do spin classes and swim, that exercise will become easier. Not physically, but mentally.

My friend sort of set me up with this guy. He's her brother's mate. We just texted for the first time last night, because I hate phone calls and I wanted to know a little bit about him before actually going on a date. I hate dates and blind dates are a million times worse. Anyway, he plays guitar and surfs and is studying community welfare. He starts work as a disability worker in 3 weeks. He enjoys chick flicks and almost any music. He doesn't read much or play video games, but I can deal with that/convert him. He texted me first today too. He sent me a photo and he's nothing special but he's not unattractive. He's just an average bloke. Doesn't smoke, drink or do drugs. Seems perfect. Except he's 28 and has a 6 year old son. I want to give it a shot, but I am worried about the kid part. I'm trying so hard to focus on being young. I guess we'll see. If I don't feel any real connection when we meet I'll call it off. It's not worth dating a guy with a kid just casually. If I'm going to have a fling I want it to be with someone younger and carefree. The other issue is, as soon as my friend told me he wanted to go on a date with me, the first thing I thought was "I don't want a relationship." Not a great sign. I don't know. I'm pretty torn on this subject.

I wish tomorrow would hurry up. It's payday, and I want to pull my money out of the bank and literally split it up into the things I have to pay for and see what's left. I really hope I have enough money for a new bra. All of mine are now officially uncomfortable and not one is supportive enough for exercise. It's driving me crazy. And my tights, which I wear on my walks, are starting to wear through around the crotch (embarrassing) and have a couple of holes in one leg. Please let me get this job.

Following my gut

I'm really hoping I get this job at Video Ezy. I have an interview on Wednesday. Two reasons I want it. First, and obvious, I want a freaking job and I liked working at a video store. Second, it would prove to me that I should always follow my gut. My gut told me to turn down the reception job and, not that I got it anyway, but the Body Shop job too. My gut serves me well (besides being fat, but we'll cover that in a later paragraph, kids). It told me it was time to move back home. It told me not to move to Melbourne when it became a difficult thing to do. It told me to re-establish contact with a couple of people. It told me to stay with USQ even after deciding to stay up here. It knows the score.

I saw a sign today on my way home on the train in someone's front yard. It was a 'For Sale' sign in front of a big tent. It said 'Perfick con'. It took me a minute to figure out that that meant 'Perfect condition'. Why are people so very stupid? It just irritates me.

I'm a little disappointed in myself right now. I've got this big plan thing going on right now. The goal is to be healthy, in shape. Hot, as they say. Also, organized and a good student. I have a daily checklist. I have to walk for an hour (unless I'm out all day shopping or something), study and read for a minimum of half an hour each, eat three healthy meals with optional dessert but no other snacks, and eat a serving of vegetables and a piece of fruit. If I tick each box for the day, I get a little Freddo. If I tick them all for the entire week, and apply for at least one job, I get take away. When I get a job, I'll be joining a gym and revising the exercise part. Yesterday I had KFC for dinner, and snacked on chocolate, because I was staying at someone else's house. If this is going to work, I have to have more restraint than that. Plan in advance - if they don't wanna eat healthy, take healthy food with me and they can get take away. I got lazy, and saw the sleepover as an excuse. Then this morning I skipped breakfast. I can't do that. I have to be tougher than that, or I'll never get anywhere. I have 21 kilos to lose. Twenty-one. That's a lot. I've lost thirty before, I know I can do this. I just need to harden the fuck up. I'm going for a walk now.

Yucky Hands

I don't like winging it. I'm a planner. I like to know what I'm doing, whether it be tomorrow, next year or at the end of my degree. But I don't. I can't figure out what to do. I've already blogged about the possibility of moving overseas for work, but now I'm thinking about moving for study. I can't decide where to go. I can't decide whether to go. I can't decide when to go. England, Canada, the US? I like it here, but I want to try new things. Do I finish my degree first? Once again I come back to my new favourite line: Life decisions are hard. I suppose I'll figure it out at some point.

I get why some people don't believe in marriage, or don't see the point in it. But I believe in it. I want to get married one day. It's the biggest way to tell someone you love them. It says, "Yes I am dedicated to you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you." And yes, I know the divorce rates. My parents were divorced. But I don't care. You can't know what's going to happen in the future. My parents loved each other once. They didn't know they wouldn't twenty years down the track. How can anyone know that? I think weddings are beautiful.

I finally seem to have found motivation for this uni work. I was forced into it by looming due dates, and now I'm not finding it so hard. I've been doing uni work all week, getting my essays written. I even want to do my computing assignment right now, but I'm making myself take a break. I don't want to burn out.

I'm really hoping that I get a particular job I just applied for yesterday. Shift supervisor at a Video Ezy. Well well, doesn't that sound familiar? For once I'm the one saying they'd be crazy not to hire me. Seriously? I've done that exact job. Don't even bother interviewing other people. Yes, I am totally talking myself up, but I was awesome at that job, and had it not been for the people (boss, co-workers and customers all included) it would have been great. Like Blockbuster was. I just happened to be working in a shitty area for a shitty man. GIVE ME THE JOB.

I need to wash my hands. They're all yuck for some reason.