Fear and Truth

I walked past this girl today. She was a twig. Probably weighed about 45kgs, and was a bit taller than me. She was walking, like exercise walking like me. Had the iPod, sneakers and everything. It scared me. What if she started off like me? I'm being really good about my weight loss, not being ridiculous. I have three meals a day and I do moderate exercise. But I know I could slip. I've slipped before. Last year I faked an illness to avoid eating. Jess picked it easily. I have to be so careful. I have my little checklist so that I have to eat every meal and stuff. And that's working perfectly now. I just have to make sure I don't lose the plot.

I think I've made a realization about myself. I'm not sure if it's right, because I'm still figuring out who I am. But you know how so many girls now are 'bi-curious', meaning they're straight but they like to mess around with girls for fun? I think I'm the opposite. I don't think I actually like men at all, I think I just like sex with men. I only check out girls. I'm more attracted to them. I connect with them more easily. They don't make me uncomfortable the way men do. And I don't push them away. I always push men away. I didn't go out with that guy. Maybe I really was worried about the kid and the age, or maybe I was worried about his gender. I don't really know. If some amazing guy walked into my life I wouldn't turn him away with a 'Sorry, I'm a lesbian'. Because I don't think I am. But I think I prefer women. By a mile. Like, 9:1 ratio. Sort of ruins my big life plan, but there's nothing I can do about that, is there?