POSITIVITY!!!

Today was a really positive day for me :) WIN.

I had my first exam for journalism. It was multiple choice, took me about 5 minutes. Pretty sure I passed, lol.

Caught up with Karli, which was super awesome. Totally made my day that we still got along so well - was worried we had both changed and it wouldn't be the same. It's the same :) We're going to keep catching up, hopefully regularly. Hey, maybe I actually have a friend now! Lol.

I got accepted into this amazing program through ISV (International Student Volunteers). I'll be going overseas (hopefully to Costa Rica, otherwise Thailand, South Africa or NZ) for 4 weeks in summer to do 2 weeks volunteer work in conservation, and then a 2 week adventure tour. Absolutely awesome. It's going to be the experience of a lifetime. Extra shifts at work, here I come! Haha. I went and had dinner at my grandparents' house tonight to ask if I could borrow $500 for the deposit. Had a really good night AND they said they would just give me the $500, which is totally awesome of them. They need to stop getting old, I'm scared of them dying *touches wood*.

Anyway, had to blog quickly. I have quite a bit of uni work to do. Dammit.

P.S. Does it seem really bad to you that seeing my mother is more awkward for me than seeing an ex?

Ice cream

I've taken to obsessively checking Facebook and Blogger for updates. I think I need to get out more, I'm just totally socially deprived lol. I am getting out more soon! I'm going to the movies on Thursday night with Nathan and next Friday with Karli. So it's almost like having a social life. Almost.

I'm really getting exasperated with this cold. It was a cold, then the flu, and now it's back to a cold. I've had it for about two months. I haven't felt especially sick, besides the week where it was the flu, but it's just irritating me now. Constantly sniffling, and I can't afford to keep buying tissues damn it. Plus, the whole time I've been at uni I've been sniffling, blowing my nose in class, sneezing like a moron, and looking like crap (bloodshot eyes, red nose, blotchy skin). It's a very bad first impression. Bah. I've had enough.

Besides that...I am actually in a really good mood lol. Just not for any particular reason, so no blogging material there.

Later 'gator!

Crime

I'm doing a criminology class as an elective at the moment, and it's really got me thinking about the definition of crime. Some things are considered crimes when they really shouldn't be, while others that aren't, should. Here's a list of some of the most ridiculous crimes for my dear readers to enjoy:

In Eureka, Nevada, USA, it is still illegal for men with moustaches to kiss women.
In St. Louis, Missouri, USA, it is still illegal for firemen to rescue women who are still in their nightdresses.
In Oxford, Ohio, USA, it is still illegal for a woman to undress in front of a picture of a man.
In Kentucky, USA, it is illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your pocket.
In Conorsville, Wisconsin, USA, it is illegal for a man to fire a gun while his wife is having an orgasm.
In Hastings, Nebraska, USA, the law says that hotel owners have to provide a clean white cotton nightshirt for each guest. Also no couples are allowed to have sex in the hotel unless they are wearing these nightshirts.
In Willowdale, Oregon, USA, no man may curse while having sex with his wife.
In Paraguay, duelling is legal just as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
In London, England, there is still a law that states London Taxi cabs must carry a bale of hay at all times.
In Iowa, USA, it is illegal for horses to eat fire hydrants.
In Victoria, only a licensed electrician is allowed to change a lightbulb.
In Minnesota, USA, it is still against the law to hang male and female underwear together on the same washing line.

So you would think that with laws like those in place, something like adultery would be illegal right? Wrong. It's totally fine for you to cheat on your spouse. Go for it, fuck whoever you like. Smoking is legal, even though it destroys your body and pollutes the world. In a lot of places, you can own a gun. Sure, you have to have a license, but that license won't stop you shooting someone. Basically, laws are screwed up.

I was also horrified when I did a google search for "should be illegal" and about 80% of the results were "why abortion should be illegal" or "why gay marriage should be illegal". I suppose I should have expected this narrow-mindedness to be so predominant, since I have such disdain for the human race and usually expect the worst of them (justifiably so, in my opinion). But I was shocked. Neither of those should be illegal! What ever happened to the human right to choose? Ugh. People disgust me constantly.

Do you know what should be illegal? Not stopping at a pedestrian crossing when someone is about to walk across. Also: Not indicating. I think that is a traffic offence but it's not technically illegal and it's not policed anyway and I HATE it. It's not that hard to flick the indicator on, you don't even need to move your hand if you drive the way you're supposed to.

Return to the world of blogging.

Well, I'm back. I've returned to the internet. I don't really know why actually. I guess I've been feeling kind of...disjointed? I don't know if that's the right word. Separated from people. It's my fault, I've become the most anti-social person I know. My world now revolves around ... I just realised I can't finish that sentence. I wonder what that means about me. I guess I could say uni or my family, but realistically my world now revolves around me. Around what I want to do. I made a realisation that is going to sound horribly selfish: I am the most important thing in my life. I recently made a decision that impacted very badly upon the lives of my two closest friends and badly damaged my relationship with the best friend I've ever had. But as much as that is horrible and I feel awfully guilty over it, I can't say I regret it because it has genuinely helped me. I've been seriously depressed in recent months and I hadn't been able to figure out how to fix it. I moved back in with my father and now get to spend time with him and my two-year-old brother every day. Between that and starting university, I suddenly feel that life is worthwhile. I'm still mildly depressed because of the loss of that perfect friendship, because although she is still my friend it is not and I doubt it will ever be the same as it once was. I still have hopes that we will be friends for a very long time, but I've destroyed the trust there. I don't know if that will be built back up properly due to her own issues. But maybe now I can finally become a happy, functional human being, instead of just pretending to be so. Fingers crossed right, otherwise I fucked up the most important thing in my life for nothing.

I have a kitten now. I guess she would be my best friend, if I had to name one. I've only had her for a week, but I love her to death. She's a pain in the ass, wrecking everything and scratching me up badly but when she gets cuddly or has just woken up (which is often, she sleeps many times a day) she is the cutest thing in the world. I nuzzle her like a mummy-cat and she mews and purrs and licks my cheek. I started crying tonight because I had to get mad at her for chewing on my laptop cord and she was scared of me after that. I hated that something I loved so much was afraid of me. I'm going to make a weak mother. She's asleep beside me now - it's surprising that she's not actually on me.

Is it unhealthy that my best friend is a cat?

Uni is really helping my outlook on life I think. I now have constant goals along with long-term plans and I genuinely enjoy learning, although my Effective Writing class is the biggest waste of time I've ever encountered. It's like year 8 English. I think they forgot that to enrol in this course you had to pass senior English. Come on guys, stop wasting my precious time. It's such a different environment than any other I've ever been in though - uni I mean. The people are so diverse and some are still stuck in high school while others are either mature-minded or actually older. I find myself constantly amused by people there. Some Indian guy came up to me today and said "You look nice. Very glasses."

Another hugely positive thing in my life at the moment is that my workplace is shutting down. Sounds bad, right? WRONG. It's awesome. I fucking hate that job more than anything else ever. I have another job lined up so no worries. I have one more shift in that hole and then I am free. I will never, ever live or work in Woodridge again, I've promised myself. Yes, Woodridge really is as bad as they say. Worse in fact.

Basically, yeah, I'm still struggling at times. I still get down. But nothing like before. I've learned to control it too, when the blues strike, to stop it from going from a down to a deep, dark depression. I'm genuinely happy 90% of the time. My brother makes me happy. My father makes me happy. My kitten makes me happy. Everything is going to be ok...I hope.

Take it or leave it.

I was forced to grow up. When my parents split, I had to decide who I wanted to live with. I chose my father. He sank into depression and I became the parent. Suddenly I was doing the extremely tight budget and the grocery shopping and such. He was helping, but he wasn't focused on it at all. Then I got kicked out. That really wakes you up. I moved in with a family but I was responsible for myself. I made the decision each day to go to school. To keep a job. I paid board, which was only $10 less than the rent I'm paying now. Then at the end of the year, I moved out with friends. I was completely broke. Fortunately my friends didn't mind paying my part of the bond, and already had everything for the house. I also ended up owing one of my housemates a lot of money because I struggled to pay my rent. Struggling for money really forces you to age. I still have my childish moments but so does my Dad. I feel like I'm 39, not 19. I keep getting urges to get married and have babies. But I don't mind that I have to be an adult so soon. It's ok with me. I don't like most teens anyway. I think others have a problem with it though. I don't like parties anymore. I don't like clubbing, which sucks because I love to dance. I don't drink. I like sitting around home. In fact, I LOVE home. I think some people miss the old drinking, partying Tara. It's also making me less compatible with one of my best friends, and she keeps getting annoyed with me. I feel like we both have so much going on at the moment that we should take a "break" like couples do. Bad idea though - those breaks don't usually end. Also, I miss Hailey. It's my fault, I didn't put effort into seeing her. But I don't really put effort into seeing anyone anymore. Maintaining friendships is too hard, which is why I'm glad two of my best friends live with me and the other works with me. Bianca's pop is dying of cancer, and I think she thinks I don't care. But I just don't know what to say. What do you say to someone in that situation? "It's gonna be ok"? That's a lie. It's not. He's dying. I wish no one ever found out they were gonna die and everyone just dropped dead when it was their time. I think it's better that way. I feel so lost at the moment. I'm very unhappy and I don't know why. I think it'll pass. I think I need a change, and we're moving soon so maybe that will fix it. I want to be happy, and people think that me getting out more is the solution. But I don't like "getting out" unless it's like, shopping and a movie. That's it. This whole blog has just been a huge ramble. If you don't want to be friends with me, just don't.

...

I don't think I'm who I was before anymore.






In which case;




Who the hell am I?

I hope that you remember that pride comes before a fall.

I should be more grateful. I complain all the time, but it's just in my nature to do so because of the environment I was raised in. I have three best friends though, and they're genuine friends. They're all so incredibly important to me, and all in different ways. I'm so lucky to have that, because so many people struggle to find true friendship. I've started to take it for granted. But I try to tell them that I love them regularly. I really do, with all my heart. I can be completely open and honest with all three of them. Maybe I'm the luckiest girl ever. Except:

1. I'm incredibly lonely. I'm surrounded by these three amazing people pretty much all the time. Yet my heart aches with loneliness. I so badly want to find love again. I was over it for a while, I'd stopped caring and moved on to just wanting to get some action. But now it's back to wanting a full blown relationship. I really can't wait to find one again. One that's worthwhile, that is.

2. I've grown to hate my job. I didn't hate it before. But it has become progressively worse. The boss has somehow gotten lazier and more uncaring. The air con is broken and he won't respond when we ask him if it's being fixed soon. It's so incredibly awful in the store now because there is no air. I feel sick when I'm there, and I can't tell whether it's from the heat/lack of oxygen or from my hatred of that place and the people in it. The staff are lazy and unhelpful and just generally crap. The customers are incredibly frustrating and I find myself having to consciously restrain myself from punching them in their fat, ugly faces. I started looking at other jobs on seek today and became so excited at the prospect of quitting that I nearly started crying. But then I realised that finding a new job would be really, really stupid right now. In just over a year I'll be leaving for a three month road trip. If I stay at the job I have now, there's a 99% chance that I'll have a job waiting when I return. If I find a new job, they aren't going to appreciate me taking three months off a year into working there. Also, my job is stable. I'm way past probation and I'm a shift manager with guaranteed hours.

I'm stuck. Absolutely stuck. I cannot wait until the road trip. When I get back, I'd like to study. But I'll only do that if I've figured out what I want out of life. Otherwise it would be pointless. If I haven't I'll probably find some full time assistant store manager or reception job.

These dust storms are ridiculous. They're killing me. My sensitive (aka weak-ass) skin is freaking out, my eyes are watery all the time, my throat hurts and I'm sneezing constantly. Ugh. Stupid nature. Like spring wasn't bad enough already.