Monday, October 19, 2009
Take it or leave it.
I was forced to grow up. When my parents split, I had to decide who I wanted to live with. I chose my father. He sank into depression and I became the parent. Suddenly I was doing the extremely tight budget and the grocery shopping and such. He was helping, but he wasn't focused on it at all. Then I got kicked out. That really wakes you up. I moved in with a family but I was responsible for myself. I made the decision each day to go to school. To keep a job. I paid board, which was only $10 less than the rent I'm paying now. Then at the end of the year, I moved out with friends. I was completely broke. Fortunately my friends didn't mind paying my part of the bond, and already had everything for the house. I also ended up owing one of my housemates a lot of money because I struggled to pay my rent. Struggling for money really forces you to age. I still have my childish moments but so does my Dad. I feel like I'm 39, not 19. I keep getting urges to get married and have babies. But I don't mind that I have to be an adult so soon. It's ok with me. I don't like most teens anyway. I think others have a problem with it though. I don't like parties anymore. I don't like clubbing, which sucks because I love to dance. I don't drink. I like sitting around home. In fact, I LOVE home. I think some people miss the old drinking, partying Tara. It's also making me less compatible with one of my best friends, and she keeps getting annoyed with me. I feel like we both have so much going on at the moment that we should take a "break" like couples do. Bad idea though - those breaks don't usually end. Also, I miss Hailey. It's my fault, I didn't put effort into seeing her. But I don't really put effort into seeing anyone anymore. Maintaining friendships is too hard, which is why I'm glad two of my best friends live with me and the other works with me. Bianca's pop is dying of cancer, and I think she thinks I don't care. But I just don't know what to say. What do you say to someone in that situation? "It's gonna be ok"? That's a lie. It's not. He's dying. I wish no one ever found out they were gonna die and everyone just dropped dead when it was their time. I think it's better that way. I feel so lost at the moment. I'm very unhappy and I don't know why. I think it'll pass. I think I need a change, and we're moving soon so maybe that will fix it. I want to be happy, and people think that me getting out more is the solution. But I don't like "getting out" unless it's like, shopping and a movie. That's it. This whole blog has just been a huge ramble. If you don't want to be friends with me, just don't.
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I thought we passed this? Unless you're talking about someone else. And then I don't really mind. I don't ever want to grow up. In fact, I'd rather kill myself than have to pay rent. No joke. I don't want responsibility. I was really responsible at a young age. Though it doesn't compare to being kicked out or looking after your parents, I took care of my siblings. They used to call me 'Mum' by accident. Do you know how horrible that was? I was 12 and acting like a mother. I would lecture them. I decided, just recently actually, that I want to be 18 forever. I don't want kids, I don't want house loans and bills. I'm only starting to live my life and where we're falling apart is that you've done it, over it and and want to settle down. You're living with people that want that as well. So I'm kind of left behind. I think I've said enough.
ReplyDeleteThanks. I don't really need an apology though. You couldn't understand what you put me through. But thanks to my family and my Pop passing away I've moved on. To be honest I will be happy to not see you again. As harsh as that sounds, you'll get over it. You taught me a lot of things that have helped me, some things I couldn't figure out without having everything stolen away from me. I don't know what I did wrong. What ever it was, I hope it was worth it. I feel so much better about myself. I'm confident that I am a good person, a good friend. You won't be as profoundly affected as I or Jess was and that's sad. But I wish you the best for the future and I hope you find something you're finally happy with.
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