I don't feel anything at all?

I realised today that the teen years were total bullshit. I called dozens of people my best friends at different intervals, I recall having 8 at one time once. Which sounds lovely but did they really mean anything? One hates me. Two are still my best friends. The others I barely talk to. One hates me though. What the fuck is that? Oh, we're best friends. Oh wait, shit, I just remembered, you suck. Nevermind, don't talk to me. Oh yeah, and she ditched me just after my first love did. THANKS BITCH. People are awful and I hate teenagers.

It's just so bizarre that I used to have so many friends, not talking myself up, I really did. I hung out with loads of people. Now I talk to a select few and basically see two. TWO! Plus one who's new. So a grand total of three friends I could really call close. I have another who I text everyday but never see, who means a lot to me. Oh oh, we've upgraded to four. Look out, here comes Miss Social Butterfly. I feel old.

I'm in a weird mood. I'm not sad, I'm not angry. I'm lonely but that's constant now. The song I'm listening to was just repeating "I don't feel anything at all." How coincidental. I am feeling something. I don't know what the fuck it is though. Nostalgia perhaps. I wish Bianca were here.

I'm also starting to think I'm in love with her. She'll read this and be like, oh shit. Lol. I know nothing can happen though so I think I've just accepted it. I don't even think really that I would want anything more. Who says you can't be in love without kissing and fucking and calling them your girlfriend? She means more to me than Josh ever did and I sure as hell fell in love with him. If you'd honestly do anything for someone and you could spend all your time with them happily, isn't that love? If they mean the world to you? If you'd kill yourself if you lost them? Yeah, pretty sure that's love. I wonder what will happen when I fall in love with someone else. My life makes no fucking sense at all. I still wish she was here. :/