In a perfect world this wouldn't make me sick.

God, that lyrics is so incredibly relevant. It's from Perfect World by Billy Talent - such a good song. Anyway.

I don't know what happened. For a couple of months early this year, I was so happy. Everything seemed just the way I wanted it. But I lost it. The happiness is gone. Now I can clutch at it, but my fingers are slippery with misery. It keeps falling away from me. I don't know how to get it back. Well, I know falling in love would probably do it. But it's not something you just go out and do. I guess I just have to take steps.

I'm going to lose some more weight and stop gaining it. I'm going to cut down on the shit that I eat, and the frequency too. Maybe I'll go to the gym. I'm going to go out more and dance, all night. It's a brilliant workout *nudge*Bianca*nudge*. I'm also going to cut down my spending. My money has a habit of disappearing but I plan to stop that.

I think what's really got me down right now is dredged up memories caused by not-exactly-good news. I considered not naming names but anyone who bothers to read this will know who I'm talking about anyway, and there's a 99% chance he won't read it and she sure as hell won't. Josh told me on Monday, when I was already pretty down, that he and Rebecca were finally getting together. Back story = he's liked her forever, since before we dated, and it always made me very nervous because they were also best friends. I think it would bug me less if a) there wasn't that back story and she was just some girl, and b) she didn't hate me for no apparent reason. I don't quite know what I feel about it. I'm not jealous, because I don't want Josh back. I think it's just salt in a very old wound. It hurts. My stomach churns when I think about it. I wish I didn't have to think about it. I wish I could cut him out of my life - I wish I could have done that back in August. But he's always going to be there and as much as I wish he wasn't, I'm also really glad he is. It's twisted and stupid but I really care about him and I'm glad he's my friend. I wonder if it would be better never to have loved.