Take it or leave it.

I was forced to grow up. When my parents split, I had to decide who I wanted to live with. I chose my father. He sank into depression and I became the parent. Suddenly I was doing the extremely tight budget and the grocery shopping and such. He was helping, but he wasn't focused on it at all. Then I got kicked out. That really wakes you up. I moved in with a family but I was responsible for myself. I made the decision each day to go to school. To keep a job. I paid board, which was only $10 less than the rent I'm paying now. Then at the end of the year, I moved out with friends. I was completely broke. Fortunately my friends didn't mind paying my part of the bond, and already had everything for the house. I also ended up owing one of my housemates a lot of money because I struggled to pay my rent. Struggling for money really forces you to age. I still have my childish moments but so does my Dad. I feel like I'm 39, not 19. I keep getting urges to get married and have babies. But I don't mind that I have to be an adult so soon. It's ok with me. I don't like most teens anyway. I think others have a problem with it though. I don't like parties anymore. I don't like clubbing, which sucks because I love to dance. I don't drink. I like sitting around home. In fact, I LOVE home. I think some people miss the old drinking, partying Tara. It's also making me less compatible with one of my best friends, and she keeps getting annoyed with me. I feel like we both have so much going on at the moment that we should take a "break" like couples do. Bad idea though - those breaks don't usually end. Also, I miss Hailey. It's my fault, I didn't put effort into seeing her. But I don't really put effort into seeing anyone anymore. Maintaining friendships is too hard, which is why I'm glad two of my best friends live with me and the other works with me. Bianca's pop is dying of cancer, and I think she thinks I don't care. But I just don't know what to say. What do you say to someone in that situation? "It's gonna be ok"? That's a lie. It's not. He's dying. I wish no one ever found out they were gonna die and everyone just dropped dead when it was their time. I think it's better that way. I feel so lost at the moment. I'm very unhappy and I don't know why. I think it'll pass. I think I need a change, and we're moving soon so maybe that will fix it. I want to be happy, and people think that me getting out more is the solution. But I don't like "getting out" unless it's like, shopping and a movie. That's it. This whole blog has just been a huge ramble. If you don't want to be friends with me, just don't.

...

I don't think I'm who I was before anymore.






In which case;




Who the hell am I?

I hope that you remember that pride comes before a fall.

I should be more grateful. I complain all the time, but it's just in my nature to do so because of the environment I was raised in. I have three best friends though, and they're genuine friends. They're all so incredibly important to me, and all in different ways. I'm so lucky to have that, because so many people struggle to find true friendship. I've started to take it for granted. But I try to tell them that I love them regularly. I really do, with all my heart. I can be completely open and honest with all three of them. Maybe I'm the luckiest girl ever. Except:

1. I'm incredibly lonely. I'm surrounded by these three amazing people pretty much all the time. Yet my heart aches with loneliness. I so badly want to find love again. I was over it for a while, I'd stopped caring and moved on to just wanting to get some action. But now it's back to wanting a full blown relationship. I really can't wait to find one again. One that's worthwhile, that is.

2. I've grown to hate my job. I didn't hate it before. But it has become progressively worse. The boss has somehow gotten lazier and more uncaring. The air con is broken and he won't respond when we ask him if it's being fixed soon. It's so incredibly awful in the store now because there is no air. I feel sick when I'm there, and I can't tell whether it's from the heat/lack of oxygen or from my hatred of that place and the people in it. The staff are lazy and unhelpful and just generally crap. The customers are incredibly frustrating and I find myself having to consciously restrain myself from punching them in their fat, ugly faces. I started looking at other jobs on seek today and became so excited at the prospect of quitting that I nearly started crying. But then I realised that finding a new job would be really, really stupid right now. In just over a year I'll be leaving for a three month road trip. If I stay at the job I have now, there's a 99% chance that I'll have a job waiting when I return. If I find a new job, they aren't going to appreciate me taking three months off a year into working there. Also, my job is stable. I'm way past probation and I'm a shift manager with guaranteed hours.

I'm stuck. Absolutely stuck. I cannot wait until the road trip. When I get back, I'd like to study. But I'll only do that if I've figured out what I want out of life. Otherwise it would be pointless. If I haven't I'll probably find some full time assistant store manager or reception job.

These dust storms are ridiculous. They're killing me. My sensitive (aka weak-ass) skin is freaking out, my eyes are watery all the time, my throat hurts and I'm sneezing constantly. Ugh. Stupid nature. Like spring wasn't bad enough already.

Will we make our mark this time?

A woman came in tonight with most of her bra showing. It makes me wonder at what point can you not afford a mirror? Though surely she could just look down. It was a big granny bra, it's not like it was hard to spot. Where is your self respect woman? Christ.

Is it better to take all the chances? What's worse; Doing something you shouldn't, or not doing something you should? I'd rather fuck something up than miss out on the opportunity of a life time. Right? This blog is kind of failing. I keep thinking of topics but I can't talk about any of them for long. I'VE LOST MY ESSAY SKILLS!

Yeah, so since I suck, this is all you're getting, kind readers :P

Guess Who's Back; Back Again.

I haven't blogged in ages, aye. I haven't had time for anything really. It's been odd. I was working 5 days a week for a few weeks, that's why. But now I have returned to 4 days a week and I have time on my hands again.

I applied for three different loans and got knocked back on all three. So it looks like a big fat fail on the loan front. I'm just going to have to buy a cheap car, then save again, then buy a laptop. It's such a pain in the ass. I think I'll look into rent-buying a laptop though. I really, really want one NOW. I've been wanting one for years. Ugh. Two of the loans were only for $6000. I can't believe they knocked me back. Screw them. Damn financial institutions.

I destroyed my savings a little on Sunday though. I went on a $700 shopping spree. I didn't mean to or realise that I'd spent $700 until I went to pull some cash out for Cold Rock and BAM; my account was missing $700. But I'm ok with it, because I got a heap of nice clothes, which I needed, and two pairs of shoes and a bunch of jewellery. I still have $800 in the bank. On Thursday, payday, it'll kick back over the $1000 mark. So it's all good, I just have to be super stingy for a few weeks. I already put $100 back into it by depositing my change that I collect.

I don't know if I've already blogged about this, but we've decided that at the end of this lease, which is the end of November, Jess and I are moving out and separating from the boys, and we're pulling her friend Kahli in with us. I'm so excited about it. It'll be really nice to not live with boys for a while, as much as I love Thomas. Getting away from Brent will be SUCH a relief. And it will be so much fun! The three of us have a ball together. We're going to be able to have all our things in the living areas now, and decorate, and buy matching kitchenware, haha. I can't wait!

Fucking Christ sake.

I hate that I miss someone I'm so angry with. That's unfair, don't you think? It happens everytime I have a fight with a friend though. No matter how certain I am that they're in the wrong, I end up being the one to cave because I miss them. Clearly more than anyone ever misses me or cares about me. Why the fuck do I bother having relationships with people at all? They all fuck you over in the end, right? It's human nature to be shit.

I'm realising more and more how much I love my Dad now. I think I've finally gotten over all the shit and I really genuinely want him around now. I got an offer to move back in and it was really, really tempting. But of course, his partner is still there, and I'm sure it would still be crap to live with her. But living with Dad and Ben would be great, that's for sure. I do really love living with Jess though, and after November we'll be living with Kahli too, so I'm pretty excited about that. Life is hard :/

Yesterday, I felt like shit. I tried all day to find a cover for my shift but no one would help me except someone who was already working at the other store. Then this morning one of these useless coworkers has the gall to text me and ask if I can work tonight! FUCK YOU. As if I'm going to help you now.

I'm really just sick of people and their general shitness. I hate you all, you fucking disgusting human beings.

I miss you - you know who you are.

Back in the game.

I haven't blogged in quite some time, and to be honest there's nothing to blog about, so I don't know why I'm here. A random urge, I suppose.

This weekend, starting tomorrow, is going to be so awesome. Holy crap. Ekka tomorrow! I freaking love the Ekka. Then staying at Jimboomba with Bianca till Sunday. Heck yes. I'm gonna drive her car :) Gig on Saturday night at Broadbeach, because we can. Then my aunt and uncle's birthday celebration at the grandparents' place on Sunday, Bianca's coming, Chinese for lunch, freaking awesome. It's been so long since I've had Chinese *reminisces* mmm.

Next week, I'll be applying for a loan so I can get a car and a laptop. I have a letter from my boss stating that I have guaranteed hours despite my casual status, I have a letter from Hailey's mum vouching for me since I paid board there, and if all else fails and they need me to have a guarantor, Hailey's mum agreed to that too. I shouldn't though. I hope I don't. I really want to do this on my own. But yay! I can't decide if I'm more excited about the car or the laptop. I've wanted a laptop for soooooooooooo long, but a car man. Man...a car.

So I'm pretty sure tonight will drag like crazy. RAs will probably be done by the time I get there, so I'll only have slicks to do. I'll have to find something else. You're all thinking, what the fuck are RAs and slicks? Haha, never you mind, little dears. Never you mind.