Fucking Christ sake.

I hate that I miss someone I'm so angry with. That's unfair, don't you think? It happens everytime I have a fight with a friend though. No matter how certain I am that they're in the wrong, I end up being the one to cave because I miss them. Clearly more than anyone ever misses me or cares about me. Why the fuck do I bother having relationships with people at all? They all fuck you over in the end, right? It's human nature to be shit.

I'm realising more and more how much I love my Dad now. I think I've finally gotten over all the shit and I really genuinely want him around now. I got an offer to move back in and it was really, really tempting. But of course, his partner is still there, and I'm sure it would still be crap to live with her. But living with Dad and Ben would be great, that's for sure. I do really love living with Jess though, and after November we'll be living with Kahli too, so I'm pretty excited about that. Life is hard :/

Yesterday, I felt like shit. I tried all day to find a cover for my shift but no one would help me except someone who was already working at the other store. Then this morning one of these useless coworkers has the gall to text me and ask if I can work tonight! FUCK YOU. As if I'm going to help you now.

I'm really just sick of people and their general shitness. I hate you all, you fucking disgusting human beings.

I miss you - you know who you are.

Back in the game.

I haven't blogged in quite some time, and to be honest there's nothing to blog about, so I don't know why I'm here. A random urge, I suppose.

This weekend, starting tomorrow, is going to be so awesome. Holy crap. Ekka tomorrow! I freaking love the Ekka. Then staying at Jimboomba with Bianca till Sunday. Heck yes. I'm gonna drive her car :) Gig on Saturday night at Broadbeach, because we can. Then my aunt and uncle's birthday celebration at the grandparents' place on Sunday, Bianca's coming, Chinese for lunch, freaking awesome. It's been so long since I've had Chinese *reminisces* mmm.

Next week, I'll be applying for a loan so I can get a car and a laptop. I have a letter from my boss stating that I have guaranteed hours despite my casual status, I have a letter from Hailey's mum vouching for me since I paid board there, and if all else fails and they need me to have a guarantor, Hailey's mum agreed to that too. I shouldn't though. I hope I don't. I really want to do this on my own. But yay! I can't decide if I'm more excited about the car or the laptop. I've wanted a laptop for soooooooooooo long, but a car man. Man...a car.

So I'm pretty sure tonight will drag like crazy. RAs will probably be done by the time I get there, so I'll only have slicks to do. I'll have to find something else. You're all thinking, what the fuck are RAs and slicks? Haha, never you mind, little dears. Never you mind.

I was angry when I met you, I think I'm angry still.

I really hate how my body looks at the moment. Well, I like my boobs and I'm pretty happy with my ass. But I hate my stomach and my thighs and my upper arms. I hate them. The fat deposits. So for a while, I'm only having breakfast and dinner, because all the dieticians and experts say that if you want to skip a meal, make it lunch. If I get hungry during the day, I'll embrace the feeling of my stomach eating itself. If it gets too bad for that, I'll have a barley sugar. I can have anything I like for dinner, for example I'm going out to the Pancake Manor tomorrow and that's absolutely fine. Although, I'm going to switch from Macca's to Subway for work dinners. Once a week, I'm going to have ice cream for dessert. I'm going to keep walking to work, to the train station, to anywhere. I'm even turning coke back into a treat. I just have to fix it.

I've so successfully convinced myself that alcohol is horrible to the point where the thought of drinking it makes me feel nauseated. A year ago, I would have said nauseous, but that's not technically a word. It's nauseated. Anyway, I don't understand what I ever saw in it. I suppose I just wanted to be happy for a while, you know? Either way, I'm happy naturally now, so I don't need that false burst of happiness. I get that from living. Those people who in their lists of interests put 'drinking' seem rather pathetic. Drinking? You're interested in putting alcohol in your system. That's your hobby. Good work. Even before I quit it was never in my interests. Geez.

I can't wait till the end of next year.

90s music rocks.

I got proposed to last night. At work. This man dropped off his movies, looked at my name badge and then said, "Tara, if I win the lotto will you marry me?" Quite embarrassing - it was very busy. I said no. Lol.

I still haven't driven a car. Sigh. I'll get to that though. I'll apply for a loan soon, then I'll have a car to drive. Yay :)

I stayed at Jimboomba for two nights with Bianca. It was fucking freezing, and the fire wouldn't catch, but it was fun and good to get away. I shall be doing that again soon.

I had a dream last night that I went camping by myself (among a bunch of other weird dreams). I stayed on top of a sand dune that had a rock wall running along the top. On one side was the beach, which was stunning, and on the other where I stayed (to avoid the tide) had a stream created by the tide further down the beach. It was amazing. Maybe one day I'll go camping alone.

My nose is driving me insane. I think I might chop it off.

Held Up

So last night I was finally involved in a hold up. I knew it would happen at some point, working nights in Woodridge, and I was thinking it would happen soon because it's happened twice just recently. But I thought it would be like those. Not nasty. Not scary. Just hand them the money and they leave. It wasn't like that. I wish it had been.

He came in and before I knew it he was right behind me, with a stanley knife at my throat. I've never been so scared in my life. I'm so grateful that I was on with Wesley, because he just did what the man said calmly and everything was fine. It was horrifying though. When he left I burst into tears. I slept terribly last night and then today when I tried to have a nap because of nightmares.

I hate him. Apparently they think he's responsible for about 20 armed hold ups, 5 of them last night. While the police were there, they got a call about another at Underwood. It was totally separate. What the fuck is going on? We've had three in a month. Just before ours, the Eagle Boys right near us got held up. The servo behind us gets held up regularly. I hate Woodridge.

Many things, none terribly important. Or maybe they are *ponders*

So I was right. I'm always right, aren't I? He turned out to be a selfish prick, so I shan't be meeting him. Found out I was a depressive and "didn't want to be involved in that kind of thing". Kind of thing? Fuck you, asshole.

I suppose it's probably better for me to stay single until after the roadtrip. I mean, three months at least away from someone I'm in love with? Not awesome. It would put a serious damper on the trip. I just want it to be about spending the time with Bianca and seeing the country and getting some serious life experience. I just don't like being single. But eh. This is far more important to me than anything I've ever aimed for in my life, so finding a boyfriend is rating pretty low. Losing weight and saving money and getting my Ps - they're the priorities.

I finished Mass Effect yesterday. I had no idea what to do - I'd become so involved in the story and the characters. At the end, everyone thought I was dead, and I didn't know if I was (well, my character, you know), and I was so upset. But she was ok! Hoorah! Anyway, so I ended up just starting the game again. It's just the best :)

I'm actually quite excited about Bianca staying at Jimboomba now. I plan to get out there as much as possible with her. It'll be nice to stay in the country and have all that open space. I might ask her to teach me to drive, really basic of course. The backyard is big enough, and she's got an auto so it'll be like starting on easy. Lol. Totally illegal of course - she's only on her Ps. Although, if it's in the backyard, is it still illegal? Who knows.

Maybe you would've been something I'd be good at.

Ok, so I've got my hopes up. I promised myself I wouldn't. But here I am, fingers crossed, getting all excited and nervous. I met this guy online a few months ago and we're meeting in person on Tuesday. He seems perfect for me - intelligent, funny; he can spell and use grammar correctly and gets as annoyed about it as I do. He has a career. He also really seems into me. We're meeting for 45 minutes (his lunch break) at MacDonald's, because we both hate anything close to formal. So at least if it's awkward it's also short. I really want to click with this guy. To be honest, I really want to fall head over heels in love with this guy. God help me (says the atheist?).

If it doesn't work out, I'll just go back to wooing Bianca I guess. Though I might just marry my DS.

Bianca's going to stay out at Jimboomba for 6 weeks. It's ages away. I don't like this at all. Bah.