Update!

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while guys. I've been pretty flat out really, and on my days off (when I get them) I've just wanted to lounge around and be useless. But I've returned!

I ended up applying for uni again. My first two preferences are both UQ, which is where I wanted to go in the first place. They're the only major university in Queensland that actually offer an English major in their Arts program. Not English Literature, not English as a second language - just English. THANK YOU. So that's preference number one - BA at UQ majoring in English. Haven't decided yet whether to put Literature as a second major, or just do the one major and some electives. I'll figure that out if I get in. Second preference is their double degree, Education/Arts. All my other preferences are Education programs at other universities.

Work has become 'just work'. It's still okay, I don't hate it or anything. But it's still retail, and it's still just a casual job. Until I start some kind of fulfilling career, I'll never be truly happy with a job. It's definitely bringing in the moolah though.

I'm finally getting my first tattoo on Saturday. I'll post a photo when it's finished. I'm so excited. Dad asked me if he could get the same one, he loved the design so much. It says Ben in this childish font, with a screwdriver under it. Ben is my two-and-a-half year old brother, for those who don't know, and his favourite things in the whole world are screwdrivers. It's going on my foot, between the ankle bone and heel. Dad said he's also getting one on the other foot with my name and a book.

I finished all my assignments for this semester, which is a huge relief. Now I just have three exams to study for, and from 10:30am on November 12th I will be freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! That is a very good thing, because this semester has driven me nuts. Ugh. Stupid USQ. I hate it.

Well, I don't think I have any other news. Mai is just being her cute, kitten-y self. Oh, my calorie counting is going quite well. I've only had 3 days this month that I've gone over my maximum. I set up an Excel spreadsheet for it, actually. It tells me whether I've lost or gained weight each day, or just stayed the same, depending on my calorie intake for the day. Then it gives me percentages of each for the month. I'm sitting on 48% loss, and most of the rest is 'same'. Pretty happy with myself. I'm not weighing myself, but Dad said I've lost weight *happy face*. The best part of calorie counting as opposed to normal dieting is that I can eat anything I like, as long as I don't have too much or I compensate in other ways (like, if I have a chocolate bar, I won't have milk with my dinner). It's great.

Ok, now I don't have any more news for real.

Uni

Mind has changed again. I've decided to apply for a Bachelor of Education at Griffith, with UQ and QUT as back up preferences for next year. I couldn't stomach the thought of just working in retail all year again. I need to be striving towards something. So that's what I'm gonna do. Teaching has always been in the back of my mind. It's always been my back up career. I feel like I would feel really fulfilled in that job. I want to teach senior secondary, mainly because I think I'd get bored teaching the easier stuff. I want to teach English and History. That's my current plan. We'll see how long it takes for me to change my mind again!

That sickness went away pretty quickly. I had a really good long sleep on Monday night and woke up 100% on Tuesday. Woohoo!

I don't really have much else to talk about tonight. Just thought I'd update y'all on my uni plans :)

It starts off depressing, but don't lose hope!

I hate that even though I enjoy my job, I still spend the entire shift wishing it was home time. I still get that horrible feeling in my gut when I wake up on a work day. Does that ever go away? Will it go away once I have a career, or will it just get worse because I'll be working full time? Is it just retail that does this to me?

I'm sick again. I really really hope it doesn't get awful. At the moment it's just that achy, icky feeling with the lethargy and the headache and such. Made today's shift almost unbearable, but I made it. Sunday rate was worth it. I have tomorrow off now too, which means no work for three days. If that doesn't let me get better, nothing will. I'm so glad I have such nice bosses. Jenny told me not to even worry about swapping shifts, just don't come in. Take some medicine, haha. I still feel bad though, because I haven't been working there long and I didn't want to take any days off until I'd been there at least one month. But after working the whole weekend feeling like crap, the thought of working tomorrow nearly had me in tears. It also means I didn't have to do my assignment tonight and I can do it tomorrow. That's definitely a plus, because I don't think my brain would have functioned enough to let me do an assignment tonight. Too exhausted.

I get my big pay in tomorrow. Pretty pumped for that. I'm going to buy my parents presents for lending me money so many times over the past few months, and I'm also buying Jessica some Microsoft Points because she's dying for some and has no money. I'm buying some of those for me too, and doing a huge grocery shop. Assuming that the servings listed on the recipes are right, I'll be cooking myself 13 meals on Tuesday. I'm just going to freeze them all. I hope they're nice, because I'll have 3 each of 4 of them. The other one is only one because it's a pork chop thing and pork chops are expensive. That one is a treat for myself :) They're all low calorie meals that I found online too - less than 300 calories per serve! Which rocks, because I'm allowed up to 1500 a day, so either I'll lose heaps of weight OR I'll be able to eat chocolate. Lol. Either way. Both options seem pretty good to me!

Anyway, I'm going to curl up in bed and watch a movie, and pray that when I wake up I feel better, not worse. Fingers crossed.

Next year

I'm still really liking my new job. One of the girls quit today too, which sucks because she's really nice but is good because I'll be getting more hours. I'm hating uni right now though. I just have zero motivation for it because I don't even know if it's what I want to do anymore. So I've 99% decided not to study next year and just work heaps. I've gotta check with my bosses that they can guarantee me 15 hours a week till March and then 10 hours a week to cover expenses, but if they can I think I'll do that. I don't see why they couldn't - that's not exactly a lot of hours. Plus they're super nice and accommodating and helpful. Fingers crossed. I just need to force myself to finish this semester, which I really don't feel like doing. But if I drop out now I'll get a failing grade. Screw that.

Farewell Unemployment and Poverty!

I have been welcomed back into the world of employment at long last. I started at Howard's Storage World on Tuesday and I'm really enjoying it. The bosses (a married couple with three adult children who all work in the store) are super nice and helpful, giving me lifts to staff meetings and company conferences. The job is interesting, which probably seems surprising since it's a storage shop but I love homewares. The customers are so refreshingly non-bogan I could squeal with delight. As are the staff, who are really friendly and helpful. I'm also not the only newbie, and the other is a 50 year old woman who's never worked in retail before and therefore makes me look like the fastest learner on the planet. She's very nice too.

The awesome part of this job is that it's given me enough funds to get my own internet connection. I just applied for the new TPG 500GB ADSL2+ with home phone line rental. $60 a month for that is just an incredible deal, and I need a home phone line because naked ADSL deals are just nowhere near as good. I think it was $50 a month for 30GB, or maybe 60GB. So crap in comparison. Works out to $15 a week, which is less than an hour's work. Pretty sure I can handle that. It means that between my rent, internet and mobile bills I'll have $603 to pay a month. If my hours continue the way they are, I'll be getting paid $1260 a month, plus whatever I get from Centrelink after I report that income. I might just cover it, haha. Plus groceries of course, but with my amazing budget shopping skills, developed and honed during my three months of unemployed brokeness, I can shop for the fortnight for $80. I'm kinda nervous about how the initial setup fee is going to hit me, because it's going to cost $160 all up including the first month and the $20 home phone deposit, but hopefully that won't come out for at least 10 days. That's what they said anyway - 10 to 20 days to process the application. Then I'll be free of my parents' terrible Optus connection and download limit and be completely independent from them again, despite living in their backyard. Yay! I just need to try to resist the temptation to spend all my money next week. Should be ok, I'm pretty used to not spending money now haha.

I don't think I have anything else to really say tonight. I really want to go to bed and watch Heroes, so I think I'll leave it there. Later folks.

These Days Turned Out Nothing Like I Had Planned

About six years ago, I realised I liked girls too.

Now I'm starting to think they're the only ones I like.

Fear and Truth

I walked past this girl today. She was a twig. Probably weighed about 45kgs, and was a bit taller than me. She was walking, like exercise walking like me. Had the iPod, sneakers and everything. It scared me. What if she started off like me? I'm being really good about my weight loss, not being ridiculous. I have three meals a day and I do moderate exercise. But I know I could slip. I've slipped before. Last year I faked an illness to avoid eating. Jess picked it easily. I have to be so careful. I have my little checklist so that I have to eat every meal and stuff. And that's working perfectly now. I just have to make sure I don't lose the plot.

I think I've made a realization about myself. I'm not sure if it's right, because I'm still figuring out who I am. But you know how so many girls now are 'bi-curious', meaning they're straight but they like to mess around with girls for fun? I think I'm the opposite. I don't think I actually like men at all, I think I just like sex with men. I only check out girls. I'm more attracted to them. I connect with them more easily. They don't make me uncomfortable the way men do. And I don't push them away. I always push men away. I didn't go out with that guy. Maybe I really was worried about the kid and the age, or maybe I was worried about his gender. I don't really know. If some amazing guy walked into my life I wouldn't turn him away with a 'Sorry, I'm a lesbian'. Because I don't think I am. But I think I prefer women. By a mile. Like, 9:1 ratio. Sort of ruins my big life plan, but there's nothing I can do about that, is there?